Sunday, March 29, 2015

Speed Bumps

So sunday was my birthday (rl) and, as the weather was **** all over the eastern half of the US, I spent it indoors online with Sarah. Besides which, that's the place I'd most like to be, save only for having her in my arms IRL. (speaking of IRL..the birthday present she sent of her very personal art journals. She shared a piece of herself with me. I was beyond touched, it truthfully brought tears to my eyes. No one has ever shared so much of themselves with me. Its...astoundingly beautiful. I can't thank you enough, babygirl...). The day started out great - we woke up together, as per our usual, and started shopping for our sim. Yes, we moved again, LOL. Sarah needed more prims! Anyways...we were shopping at various fairs and having a great time. We've both gotten over our shyness enough to be able to be on vocie with one another. Typing now just a step backwards. You can't go back, you know? 
Some pics of our place, still a work in progress:
Anyways..the day was going great, just spending time together, hanging out, working on our home together. Then Logan logged in. This should have been a GOOD thing - our whole family sending time together on my birthday, what could be better, right? But no...things have been...awkward at best with him of late. I'm not sure why or what, but its been off. We rarely talk, more than casual "hey, how goes?" with 5 minutes between responses kinda thing. Being on voice with Sarah while he's typing also gives me more insight into the dynamic between the two of them, and the fact he does the same **** with her. 
I know Sarah has been missin ghim lately, since he's not on much, and she needed some time with him. As much as I wanted to be a selfish bastard and stick around, playing the birthday card, I didn't. I knew from experience that he wouldn't be on that long, so I said hi and went off exploring for awhile to give them some time together. 
<****'re going to come into SL for the first time in over a week, ignore me, not even say happy bday, and then take our girl off to do something she doesn't want to do, that you know **** well she told me she wouldn't do? Seriously??!!! 
Yeah...I was PISSED. BEYOND pissed - I was livid. I hear this from Sarah after he logs for awhile, saying he'll be back soon. I half expected it from him. I did not expect her to say "ok". 
I was physically ill from that, had to log off and get my **** together. It was about 30, 45 mins later we sat down and talked about it. It took me that long to calm down and realize that this is part of her "I need to please everyone above myself" issues. That she said ok to avoid disappointing the man in front of her. It took me that long to realize how much she must be feeling pulled in 2 directions. After I calmed down enough to talk about it without shaking or expresing my own pain over the whole situation - I was able to see things from her perspective. To see that she didn't agree to hurt me, but more to keep the peace. 
We talked through it...we got through it. There were tears..there was anger...there was hurt and pain on both ends. It was a speed bump. I was proud of the way we talked it out. I was especially proud of Sarah for sticing up for herself and her own desires and needs. I want her to be able to put her OWN needs first. To consider what SHE wants, and how to please HERSELF, above others. Yes - even me. I am mature enough to realize that the happier SHE is, the more HER needs are met, the more I put into meeting HER needs - the more she will do for me. The more she will want to make me happy. You've heard the old "if mama ain't happy ain't nobody happy" adage? Well, its true, LOL. Aside from that, I love her, and I would do anything to make her happy. 
I'm not even addressing the Logan thing right now. Its just...No. I'm not going there, lol. I'm fousing on Sarah and I, on our relationship and stabilizing it. I'm setting my priorities in order. I'm not making someone a priority in my life if they barely see me as an option. Take heart - that's **** good advice!! 
So Logan logged back in about an hour later, after Sarah and I had talked it out, and she'd told him she wouldn't go out with him that night ebcause it was my birthday and she was spending it with me. She invited him to spend time with US - he demured and logged out without a word a few moments later. Did he ever say happy birthday, after being close friends with me for 5 years? NOPE. Not a word. So yeah - priorities. 
Sarah and I spent the rest of the night together, it was blissful and wonderful and perfect and mindblowingly intense. We fell aslepe in each others arms on the beach, listening to the fire and the waves, with the horses neighing and the wolves howling in the background. 
The speed bump was successfully navigated. We woke up the next morning in each others' arms, in each others' ears, and very much in love. Happy birthday to me :)))

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