Saturday, October 24, 2015

That time of year...

Autumn is my favorite season - always has been. The weather is cooler, so no more sweating to death. Its the weather of jeans and sweatshirts, tight sweaters and boots, and casual sexiness. The smell of burning leaves in the air, the colors of the leaves, the chill in the air, and the excitement of the holidays. Halloween - the costumes, the candy, the fear and thrill of it...the macabre, the dark & twisty - it all suits me very well. Then looking forward to Thanksgiving and family - when the macabre and dark thoughts come back to haunt us and get applied to our family members...

Yes, Autumn rocks. Its also the season of harvest, of wrapping up the year, putting an end to things that need to be ended, and tucking in for the winter with the things that make you feel happy and safe and cozy. That applies to people and relationships, as well.

I had...have?...had...a very close friend that I loved...very much. Still do, despite it all, but that's beside the point...who walked away to get much needed closure. As much as I hate to admit it, and as much as it hurt to be left like that, with everything that had been said and shared..I felt relief. I felt like the last thing that was holding me back from moving on was gone, and I could try to find happiness. being me...I can't ever let things go completely. I continue to berate myself for the mistakes I've made, and rather than taking that piece of my heart back, I leave it where it is, and try to exist - and coexist - without it. Not an easy feat, but in my current situation, probably for the best. Boundaries are easier to maintain when your whole heart isn't completely involved.

Apparently, I'm not the only one who can't let go completely, as some (admittedly minor) efforts were made to let me know someone is still thinking of me. much as it made that small part of my heart go pitter pat...the rest of me got PISSED! I just wanted to scream 'leave me the FUCK alone! You WALKED! STAY GONE!' So that pissed part of my brain reached into my dark & twisty soul to create:
Its a dark, macabre, highly personal 'fuck off'...but it was done out of hurt. So, while I'm posting it because it turned out to be a great picture....the feelings behind it are gone. The creation of the image, getting it out of my head, purged those negative feelings, and I was able to let it go. Truth be told, there's not a day that's gone by that she's off my mind completely either, so...yeah. And its not the relationship perse that I miss so much, though that was awesome. Its the friendship. To this day, when something touches me, in any way, that I want to share it with someone close to me who gets me and would understand it...she comes to mind. I miss our friendship. But... I get it. It is what it is, right?

In other news..anyone who knows me knows that I will take a lot of shit. I will accept whatever someone has to dish out to me. Especially if I know I hurt you - walk on me, treat me like dirt, blame me for all the ills in the world, wtfe - I can take it. Go after someone I care about? Trash talk someone, be rude to them for no reason, be mean at all...even if its not to their face, and even if its mostly a carefully aimed stab at me? Its on. Leave my friends and family out of it. This is between US, kinda thing. Nothing will make me cut ties and burn bridges faster. While every fiber in my being wants to fight back when someone does that shit....I know I can't. I know - for my own good and all those involved - that the kind of negativity that interaction inspires needs to be out of my life. I'll forgive it once in the heat of the moment. Keep bringing the same drama BS, and I'm done. I'm just...done. Mute, block, derender, you no longer exist in my world, and your negative BS goes with you. I don't have room for it in my life. I have better uses for my energy than catering to your playing the victim whims. DONE.

So...having let go of the negative feelings, and having cut the negative vibes out of my life completely..I am free to focus on the good, the positive, the peaceful.

Enter Justine. We met through madpeas, with her intelligent flirting and direct yet sensual ways of getting my attention. It took some doing for her to wrap her head around the reality of me, and for me to wrap my head around the reality of our situation, but we managed. And we are sharing our second lives now. Here is what I've stated in my profile about her:

Classy, intelligent, independent, strong, witty, and sexy as hell...she found a way to wrap her brain around accepting me into her SL, and we've happily spent most of our time in one anothers' company since.

She gives me hope...she makes me smile...and makes SL feel good again, in a way it hasn't in a long time. I'm very lucky to have her in my life.

The song below says it all...falling in love in asylum, in this case...but its true nonetheless. Proud to call her my girl. And at the risk of scaring her away...I love you, with it :)

More pics to follow, as I've been immersed in planning them out, but here is one that embodies the peace I feel with her in my arms.
So...all that said and gotten out of me, I feel better. I feel good overall. I have a few close friends, with real estate on my profile, a few friends through the peas that I spend time with and trade snarky commentary with on a regular basis, and SL is a good place to be right now.

Friday, October 16, 2015

Autumn Reflections...

WOW what a summer...that's just...all I can say. I haven't had much to say, because as anyone who has read anything I've blogged probably caught onto, I blog when I need to get my feelings out and  I have some handle on them. Life - especially secondlife, but life in general - has been so chaotic and volatile of late that there just was no handle to be had. The drama came to a head today, and I'm putting it all behind me, and moving forward with my head held high. But first, I need to say my final goodbyes to the past 3 months. This is my way of doing that.

Where to start....when last we spoke, I was dating Ang, and trying to help repair her RL. Well...that failed epically. Last I heard, they split up. Of course, I haven't heard a word from her in a couple weeks, so who knows? If I were concerned enough, I'd reach out to find out. I'm not. I'm still licking my wounds, and the bandages are fresh. I'm not going to get into it here, as its not salient. Suffice it to say, Ang loved the fantasy. When reality invaded, she wanted nothing to do with it.

During the breakup of our SL relationship, I made a couple friends. The aforementioned one who kicked my boxes around, Nevy, and some of her SL family. They took me in with open arms at a time I truly needed it. As family groups are wont to do, drama invaded - in a big way - and the wheat was sorted from the chaff. Out of that came Nevy & Marcel. Marcel has been from day one my *brother from another mother*. We think alike, and can really talk to one another. He's helped me through come confusing and painful times, and has always been the voice of reason. Hopefully Ive done the same for him. Nevy...Im not sure still how to categorize Nevy. There are times that I can sit with her and feel so calm and accepted and normal, that its like being with the sister I never had. There are other times that I want to throw her down on the nearest flat surface and...yeah. There are still other times I want to wring her neck because as much as I love her, she is the most MADDENING woman I've ever met, LOL. STUBBORN with a capital EVERYTHING. But I wouldn't have her any other way. Through her thick as fort knox shields, I've glimpsed the softer side, the vulnerable side, the side that is easily hurt and carries a hell of a lot of nasty scars. I love both sides of her. Whatever she is or isn't...she is and will always be family to me.

So in the midst of enjoying my newfound family...some truths came out. Namely, MY truth. Ready for a shocker???
.....I'm a woman. Female in RL. Gender-fluid. Wanna know more? Check out this article, and watch the video - its powerful and amazing:

Who knew? Ang. Logan. Not Molly. Not Sass. Not Nevy.

 Yeah, save it. Trust me, there is nothing you can say to chastise me that I haven't said to myself a hundred fold. I broke things off with Sass because I fell in love with her and couldn't give her what she wanted most - RL. Because I lied about who I was from the start. I messed up my chance with Nevy because I lied from the start instead of telling her the truth. The kicker? BOTH of these women might've actually been able to accept me for ME, had I been brave enough to let myself be seen and not hide behind the *fantasy* facade of Kush and Kent. Irony - you are a cunt.

So, I told Nevy. Who...while she took the possibility of coupledom off the table because she can't trust me (and I'm sure other reasons as well, but let's let my ego ride with that one for awhile), is still a close friend and family, and still opened her arms to me in acceptance. I will always be grateful to her for that.

Then...I went to tell Sass. Her reaction? She cried...she screamed..she questioned and accused...the screamed some more..cried some more...then she curled up in my lap...hugged me..then hit me. So was hard. But you know what? She surprised the hell out of me. She was open and accepting and very willing to still be friends, even on a different level than we were, friendship wise, because, well, girl power, lol.

Well, it was nice while it lasted. My friend Abbie, who sort of has filled the of daughter for me, got some very upsetting news in RL the other day, and it upset me. I went to talk to Sass, because she is one of my best friends. I was upset, so she pulled me onto a cushion to hug me. Well, apparently someone thought her SL BF should know she was hugging some guy. WTFE.

Anyways...not surprisingly....Sass decided being friends was me was too difficult. We are not friends in ANY world now. Said our goodbyes. Probably for the best. Still hurts like hell, but..such is life.

So...I  had to do some soul searching and reflecting. What better place to do that than a beautiful fall themed sim - TRACE TOO?

As a result of all of this openness, and the (apparent but still semi-questionable) acceptance - I am out and open about being GF / BOI and a female in RL on my SL profile. Everyone who bothers to look knows who I am now. It might not be the easiest way to do things, and its confusing for a lot of people, and its cost me some good friends, but its made me a few as well, and earned me a lot more respect. Most importantly, I respect MYSELF for living authentically. I think that's what the pics embody most. Reflection, starting over, watching the past fade away....just BEING...and realizing - int he last one - that no matter how huge your problems the grand scheme of things, they are a speck in a wheat field. Get over yourself.

Pics to follow, just for fun. Bottom line...SL needs to be fun. It needs to be enjoyable, relaxing, and drama...if not free, at least LIGHT. I am working on just BEING. I have a few good friends to help me along that path. And one very special friend who is quickly becoming the light to my dark. J...NO CUDDLES for you!  ;)