Sunday, March 29, 2015

Faking It

Posted by Kushiel Gant 4 hours ago - Filed in Second Life - 1 view 

We all interact with one another in a virtual world, and sometimes its easy to forget that we are REAL people in that world. Some people find it easier to exist behind a fabricated facade.I suppose we all do to an extent - myself included. In SL I have 6 pack abs, perfectly sculpted guns, and great hair. In RL I'm overweight, with flabby arms and a shaved head because damnit, if I was gonna go bald, I'm going ALL THE WAY. I think of Kush as a perfected version of the RL me. I suspect most of us feel the same with our avis - they are either perfected versions of ourselves, or what we WISH we were physically - reflections of who we are inside.

That being said - I'm big on realism. I'm big on intimacy. I'm big on honesty within a relationship. When I interact with someone, when I get to know them, I want tog et to know the REAL them - who they are on the inside. While it interests me to know what someone gets up to in SL and what fills their time - because it informs who they are and how they think - its the real person behind the avatar that I want to get to know. If I am being intimate - in any way - with someone, I want it to be as real as possible. RP doesn't interest me in the least - in fact, its a huge turn off, and very little will make me lose interest faster than feeling as though someone is faking their reactions or playing a part rather than telling me or letting me see their honest feelings and reactions. In a world where all we have are reactions, where we can't touch, where we can't see, where we can't smell or taste or truly physically feel - we have words..sometimes we have sounds...and that's all. With our senses - the things we use to interact with and interpret the world around us - so limited by the virtual world we all choose to exist in - honest reactions are even MORE important.

In RL - many people choose to be dishonest in their reactions. Let's take the concept of *faking it*, as an example. And yes - I mean it *that* way. People's reasons for *faking it* are widespread, and often valid - at least in their own way of thinking. I was curious, actually, so I did a little research on the *why* - this is what I found, citations included, and I've included a little commentary on most, and explantion on some that had me scratching my head:

http://www.yourtango.com/201055118/10-reasons-why-women-fake-orgasms

1. Women want to please their partner.

- Ok - this is a good thing - but for most guys - most DECENT guys - a big part of their pleasure is knowing they are pleasing their partner - knowing they are making her feel good. If she is faking, she is not only cheating herself out of what could otherwise be a much more enjoyable experience (because if she's being honest in her reactions, he will do more, work harder, be more creative, etc - to please her, and be BETTER at it because he truly gets to know what it is that trips her trigger, so to speak!) - she is also cheating HIM out of the satisfaction of knowing he truly pleased his partner. Faking schmaking - eventually - assuming he pays attention - he's going to know, or its going to come out, or your bff is going to tell him you said he's a tool in bed, because **** girl - get with the program and own your pleasure already! - and then? Ego devastation. That can be pretty freaking hard to recover from...

2. Everyone loves a challenge.

The challenge comes in seeing how excited you can get your guy, and how long you can prolong his orgasm. The fact that a woman can get her guy off with a fake orgasm, whenever she feels like it, can be very satisfying.

Personally - this is where the whole idea of realism comes in. Yeah, the moans and screams are great - when they're real - but just as I'd rather watch amateur porn for the realism than studio **** - I'd rather have a real reaction than fake. If I know someone is faking, or has faked, or has a history of it - I doubt myself. I doubt my ability to please her. i doubt her reactions - which - especially in the virtual world - is ALL we have to go on. So faking in the virtual world, when you've agreed to always be honest and REAL with intimacy - not only damages the guy's ego - it damages your relationship. If he can't trust your reactions during sex, how can he trust them during anything else? How can he trust that he makes you happy at all? How can he trust that you only want him, when he's not even been given the chance to please you sexually? Not that he can't - but you haven't given him the chance.

3. One is not in the mood.

Then don't do it. Its OK to say NO.

4. Pain is not always good.

See above.

5. Things get too comfortable.

LAZINESS! This is where communication comes in. TALK ABOUT IT! If something isn't working for you, or isn't enough anymore, or your partner is slacking in the oral favors department - TALK TO THEM!

7. Lack of technique!

see above

8. Not enough time.

Men - for the sake of all that is good and holy - TAKE THE TIME to please your partner - if you don't have the time, don't start.

9. Men and women are different.

Although sex encounters for men are typically ‘great’, most women will reach orgasm more easily with someone they feel a connection with. If a certain level of trust has been established, a woman will feel relaxed in the arms of her partner, resulting in enjoyable and satisfying sex.

Excellent point - capitalize on that by putting in the effort to build that connection and develop it.

10. Not like that - it is not going to happen!

This refers to not being able to orgasm through intercourse - and again hearkens back to take the time to TALK to your partner, to learn from them, about them, to learn what turns them on and what works for them. If they aren't honest with you about that, however...then you have bigger issues to resolve.

Women aren't the only ones who fake orgasms, either. Here are some of the reasons men do:

http://www.everydayhealth.com/sexual-health/do-men-fake-orgasms.aspx

To make haste with a delayed orgasm.

This can be an issue for women as well - if you feel like you are *taking awhile*, it causes anxiety, which makes the act of *getting there* even more difficult. This is a physical reason, and understandable. Still, though - TALK about it. The anxiety and nerves are never going to go away if you don't feel comfortable enough to TALK to your partner about it. Trusting them enough to beleive they would not look down on you, but want to HELP in any way they can - that's very important. Faking is an indication that you don't trust your partner, that you don't feel comfortable with them, and that you don't believe that they WOULD care enough to try to make it better for you.

To conceal premature ejaculation.

To preserve his pride.

To please his partner.

To abide by the "rules."

To get things over with.

see above, already discussed all of these in previous commentary, LOL.

To reiterate - in a virtual world, reactions and words are all we have. If we can't be honest with them - what are we doing? Faking your reactions hurts yourself, hurts your partner, hurts your relationship. If you value honesty and realism, and want more than just a RP - if its important to you that your partner enjoys your intimate moments as much as you do - DON'T FAKE. If there is an issue - TALK ABOUT IT. If you trust your partner and are comfortable enough with them - give them a chance to try to help.You just might be quite pleasantly surprised...

So - is it ok to fake? Have you faked it? Have you faked it ina serious commited relationship, and not just a casual encounter? Have you been the recipient of this and been hurt by it? Would you if you were? I'm curious to see comments....

Closing with a few thoughts that hit my brain as the day wore on, and I was able to locate in image form:










New Mesh Body

  • Just a short note to say I broke down and got a new TMP body thursday. I've been searching the forums and blogs to research, and my options were limited, LOL. You girls have several options. Us guys - not so much. Avis with alpha HUDs are pretty much one option - TMP. At leasr its somewhat customizable. I will be posting a review of it soon, but short on time this morning. Started messing around with a few photos yesterday. Not appropriate to post on ASN, but I do have 2 up on my flickr - feel free to take a peek! 
    https://www.flickr.com/photos/114520708@N03/

Healthy Bickering

  • The subject du jour is the idea of *healthy bickering* - that is, can a relationship be healthy if you bicker? Does the "daily disagreement" constitute a flaw in the design of your relationship? And if it does, is it an area for improvement, or a deal breaker? 
    Anyone who watched CHARMED as much as I did will remember the episode of Piper's first wedding. Her crying in the bar, after running from her ruined wedding, about how hard it is..that it shouldn't be this hard..its just too hard...and giving up. That scene stuck with me, as I suspect similar scenes have stuck with many others over the years. It built an insecurity. If things are *too hard* - is the person I love going to walk away? And what if what is normal and even healthy to me, is *too hard* for them? 
    More days than not, Sass and I wind up bickering with each other at some point. Its usually over something minor - one of us said something that the other took the wrong way, a misunderstanding, a jealous moment, a disagreement of taste over style or artistic savey...etc etc. very very rarely has our *daily bicker* been anything that we can't resolve easily with a simple calm discussion. Granted, sometimes we need a few minutes to get to *calm*, but still..we get there. 
    I suppose I should define my *normal*, in relation to myself. I have a temper, I'm the first one to admit that I can be a hothead. I don't EVER take it to a physical place, and I never berate or belittle or namecall or attack in any way. its usually because I'm tired or stressed or just plain old cranky and grumpy and surly over something that has nothing to do with Sass or our relationship. I try to not bring my moods into SL, but considering we spend every spare moment together (which is amazing), things are going to carry over. I try to minimize the impact, and not ever take anything out on her.  I DO get snippy, sometimes I get snide, my responses become short or curt, abrupt. I snap, sometimes, bark, if you will. This gets to Sass something awful, and I AM working on it. I've gotten better.
    The reason Ive gotten better, is that one little verbal bark and Sass feels attacked, upset, as though the world is crashing down around her ears. She gets quiet, and often withdraws, sometimes physically (she knows I will pull her right back, so that little reaction has gotten better). Sass, my sexy little chatterbox, going quiet - calms me down instantly. I know I upset her, and I pull my temper back and go into soothing mode. We usually will sit down, snuggle, and talk about what upset her. Oftentimes it boils down to her fear that I will decide its too much, that she messes up too often (huh?! I don't blame her for anything, but she somehow or other assumes that she messes up and I'm mad at her, when 98% of the time I'm jsut grumpy and irritable and it has NOTHING to do with her so..yeah...that's a struggle). She fears that I will pull a piper and give up because its *too hard*. 
    Now..my normal. I grew up with parents who fought. Really fought. A lot. Verbal, emotional, mental, sometimes physical attacks were par for the course. I learned from their mistakes. I would NEVER treat a woman I love that way - EVER. Nothing ever got resolved with my parents - it was same old fights over same old BS day in and day out. Same issues, same problems, never resolved, just yelled out, cussed about, fought over. 
    When Sass and I bicker - I won't even call it fighting, though she does - when we bicker, its over small stuff. I might snap, she might get a little passive aggressive, we take a few breaths, I hear her sniffle, and I'm pulling her into my lap and talking to her about what's at the root of the upset. Soothing the insecurities, offering reassurances, doing what I can to ensure that she feels how much I love her, and that I'm not mad at her. Yeah, I get irritated or irked sometimes, but she does with me as well at times. To her, this is a red flag, cause for concern, even panic. To me - its a normal occurance stemming from two people spending a majority of their time in one anothers' company. This is especially true when those two people are strong willed, opinionated, slight control freaks about certain things. 
    I'm trying to bring her over to my way of thinking, being mindful of my own words and actions because while I think her fears are unfounded, they are not invalid - she feels them deeply and they bother her. Therefore, they concern me and I want to address them when they crop up. I had my own moment of worrying that she was going to *pull a piper* today, when she kept repeating *we fight everyday*. I again expressed my difference of opinion - or operational definition as it were - in that we don't *fight* - we *bicker*. 
    After we talked things out and reassured one another, it was time to snuggle and remind one another that we are in love, we are happy, and the good times FAR FAR FAR outweigh the bad. I see very little danger of our bickering leading to our downfall, and hopefully, in time, her insecurities over that issue will lessen as well. We are good together - we communicate, we love one another, and we are happy.

Touchstones

  • Sass and I have been together for 2 months as of tomorrow. That, in my book, is a touchstone. SL relationships - in my experience - rarely if ever make it past 2 months, they fall apart somewhere around week 5 and just go downhill from there. The next 3 weeks are each party alting around and looking for a reason to leave - usually another person. Not that this has been *my* experience, mind. More what I've witnessed. My longest SL relationship was just over a year...of course it was 3 months on, 4 months off, 3 months on, 3 months off, then off for good, so yeah..not the best example. 
    Anyways, my point is...reaching that 2 month touchstone, and being in as wonderful a place as she and I are currently, is extremely gratifying, and worth celebrating. I see how much we've both grown, and grown into this relationship we've started, nurturing it and one another, and it impresses me more and more every day. SHE impresses me more and more every day. Two months...feels like I've known her my whole life, like I can't remember a day without her. We've not had a day apart since we met, and we've not gotten sick of each other yet, LOL. I know I can get grumy and grounchy and irritable as an old bear sometimes, but she has a way of bringing me out of that quicker than anything. And she gets snippy and crabby sometimes, but I always seem to be able to put a smile on her face. 
    Sass's bff was visting her last night, and she made her an avi so she could come in world and hang out with us. We all were on group voice and dancicng at Lar's for hours. The girls wer enjoying their wine and going into gigglefits, and I was loving every second of the interactions. It was, somehow, more *real*, if that makes any sense considering we were in a virtual world. I mean, it was cool to meet her rl bff and get some insight from her as well. 
    So yeah...as hard as it is sometimes to not look ahead and see what you WANT to happen in the not too distant future, and lament the fact that you can't have it NOW...I'm extremely happy with where we are right in this moment. Things are brilliant. Sass is amazing. Ive never been happier in any relationship in my life. We are on the right path, and walking it hand in hand. 
    Below, a few snapshots from last night. I couldn't resist, lol. When you have a sight that sexy in front of you, you want to remember it. Plus, it was a nice reminder of a moment that was more *real* than *virtual* between us. It was a good night :) 

Yes, we are THAT couple...

  • So, Sass made shirts for St Patrick's day, because she was tired of bitching about al the godawful clothes people had out. She made me one that says, with a hand poitning down, "kss this, its irish too". Hers has a kiss mark and says "keep calm and kiss me". Very cute shirts, on the whole. Both green, of course, for the holiday. 
    In typical fashion, when I got home from work, we went out to Lar's. There we were, admist the usual crowd of lovable crazies like ourselves and amusing noobs, dancing the night away, when it hit us. 
    Sass: "OMG!!! We are THAT couple!!!! The ones who dress alike and make me nauseous with all their cuteness and lovey dovey ******** and just...UGH!!!!"
    Me: "Yes, we are tHAT couple...but we make THAT couple look sexy as hell..."
    That got a big heartfelt agreeing laugh from her, and very soon after, a "Home, Daddy...now..."
    Happy St Patrick's Day!!


Obedience vs. Respect

  • In my last blog, I posted a conversation that touched on the subject of obedience vs. respect, as in relates to a D/s relationship. I may well be in the minority when I say that I would rather have someone show respect and consideration for my preferences when making their own decisions, rather than someone be outright obediant just because I said so.

    I rarely *put my foot down*, so to speak. I don't impress limits or rules or strict commands. Very very few times have I ever said *absolutely not* to something, and in those times it was more for protection and ONLY because I know we BOTH feel the same way.

    For those of you who are familar with Kohlberg's theory of moral development, I'm referring to at least conventional - preferably post-conventional - morality verses pre-conventional. Obedience models would have one making decisions based on what they are told as absolutes, without thought of theirself or of the greater good - merely of black and white RULES. My preference is always for making decisions based on factors relative to you and with the goal of achieving an outcome that benefits an entity greater than the self (ie - the relationship).
           [McLeod, S. A. (2011). Kohlberg. Retrieved from http://www.simplypsychology.org/kohlberg.html]
    I was referred to - in jest (I think) - as an "uppity Daddy" last night, and it made me think - hence the blog. I think best when writing. An issue with Sass arose the other day that related to this discussion. In a relationship, mutual respect is paramount. Communication, trust, love, loyalty - its all built on a solid foundation of respect. If you lose any component of that, the relationship suffers. In an effort to strengthen the relationship, priorities shift. They become less about *I* and more about *WE*...less about our individual goals and desires, and more about what is good for *us* as a couple. That is a natural progression. Its a moral elevation. We learn, through our (healthy) relationships how to navigate the waters of moral relativism. We learn to see beyond immediate gratification or strictly selfish needs, and to consider what is best for the collective *us*. We take our partners feelings, wishes, desires, preferences, into consideration, and we make decisions about our own behaviors with that in mind, as well as our own, and come up with what would be best for *us*.
    For instance - in my own relationship...something came up whereby Sass was challenged to make a decision on how to act in a given situation. We had talked beforehand about things such as this, and she knew my preferences. When she made her decision, she made on it on the basis of being *obediant* to me, and making it known that *Daddy said so*. This, while flattering and meaningful, also sort of pissed me off.
    In that moral relativism is a certain lesser known ambiguity between what goes on in your own head in your decision making process - and how others interpret it. In a relationship, its difficult - but necessary - to present yourself and your partner in such a way that others can see the respect and loyalty and love that you have for one another. That your relationship not only IS strong, but appears strong to anyone on the outside looking in. That is where loyalty comes into play. Its not just about faithfulness...its about presenting yourself in such a way that your faithfulness, your devotion, your respect for your partner - and yourself - is never called into question by any onlooker. In short - its about how you behave when your partner isn't by your side.
    In our situation, Sass made a decision that I respect and appreciate. She explained her thought process to me, and it was beyond reproach. It was loyal and respectful and considerate and took into account both of our wants and what was best for US. Her presentation, however, left something to be desired. I don't fault her for this, because I understand why she presented her decision as she did. I get it, completely, and it was good, in the moment - and for the given situation, it worked rather well. What it didn't take into account, however, was something I pointed out later.
    The reasoning she gave for her declaration of a *rule* was "Daddy said so". Now...my ego is big enough to get a certain thrill out of that, seriously - its cool as hell. Makes me go all *GRRRR* and ****..which makes her go all *purrrrrrrrr* and ****...and makes me...well, nevermind, that's neither here nor there. What I wanted her to think about was how such reasoning would be perceived in general. It relates back to obedience vs. respect. Consider this situation, all too common in SL:
    girl is out a club, without her partner, and boy sees yumminess and hits on it. Mild banter and flirting ensues. Boy makes a pass at girl, propositions her, either not bothering to read her profile, or not giving a **** that she is involved. Girl's response options:
    a) I can't play with you. My Daddy says no / won't let me.
    b) I don't want to play with you. I am in a relationship, and we don't sleep around.
    Put yourself in boy's shoes. If a girl you have a hard on for responds to your advances with response option A - wouldn't you keep pushing? I mean, she never said she didnt *want* to...you can surely tempt her..even with your noobish avatar and subpar emoting skills and heavy reliance on pose ball action and unmatched ridiculously massive pixel genitals...you got it goin' ON!
    <**** me!!
    Its all about presentation and perception. How you present yourself and your relationship to others. Do you showcase the respect you have for your partner and your relationship? Or do you merely obey because they said so?
    In our situation, it was a non-issue, really, but it could have been different. I think the point was made, and our discussion about it highlighted the important points of loyalty and respect. Knowing that Sass takes my feelings and preferences into consideration, but also considers her own, and ultimately arrives at what is best for US - helps built trust. I KNOW I can trust her to put *us* first. She kNOWS she can trust me to do the same. I don't question her loyalty, and I won't have to doubt in the future that she will represent herself and *us* as strong and solid. In this way, we maintain that strength - together - and continue to grow stronger everyday.

Puppies

  • To have someone give you control of their bodies and minds,
    to be entrusted with the responsibility to take care of them,
    to have someone willing to suffer for you,
    to forsake pride and dignity to please you...
    what other gift in this world can possibility equate to that?
    And more importantly, what makes you worthy to receive it? -- Anonymous

    One of my favorite quotes about the D/s lifestyle - and one that not many people seem to understand. Sass and I were out at Lars recently, and had a bit of an altercation with someone there. Not really an altercation, persay, just..an interruption. Said girl decided she wanted some attention, so she requested a very pointed, rather insulting song for Sass. I decided to give her the benefit of the doubt, and question her motives. The ensuing conversation turned out to be rather interesting. Names have been removed to protect the..well, not exactly innocent...judge for yourself: 

    D: Mr Sir .. I have a song being played for your girl
    Kush: Aww..how sweet!
    Kush: Hmm...the purpose of the song, if you don't mind?
    D: i'm naughty in all manners
    Kush: Ok..noted..the poijt of dedicating it to my girl?
    D: iyes shes your girl .... uts about a girl complete sumbmission to her master or dom
    Kush: Its quite the interesting song.
    Kush: When its about her...not sure I'd refer to her evee aI s a pet...but...
    D: its about obedience
    Kush: I don't require obedience...I offer
    Kush: I demand respect and offer it in turn
    Kush: this song...doesn't evoke respect
    Kush: blind obedience is for mindless *puppy girls* who can't think for themselves..not my style or my interest
    D: all doms should ...
    Kush: Not this one. I don't demand obedience - I EARN devotion
    D: i see
    Kush: All Doms SHOULD
    Kush: if someone is telling you different, you need to study up, pup...
    D: i have brought a few " wanna be" Daddy Doms to there knees
    D: I am far from a pup
    D: so what kind of dom are you ?
    Kush: Then you should know better than to think blind obedience is what any Dom worth his weight wants.
    Kush: The kind with a brain
    D: then what is your idea of submission?
    Kush: Being inspired and influenced to give all of yourself to someone who earns your trust, your respect, and your devotion.
    D: submission is a choice by the submissive that is earned through trust and respect it can not be inspired or influenced but given freely by the submissives choice
    Kush: How di you figure it can't be inspired or influenced? The sub chooses without any influence? Earning trust and respect IS influencing that decision.
    D: to use the terms of inspire or influence, leads to cohersion and I have never had to coherce anyone all I simply have to do is speak and they decide of thier own free will there is ni inspire or influence or cohersion
    Kush: That's your interpretation. The mere act of showing someone you can be trusted - to most - is inspiring and influential -if only in its rarity.
    D: indeed , can i ask how old you are ?
    D: how long you been in the life style ?
    Kush: 40, and 15 years
    D: wow not to far from me , I live with a Dom .. we are friends only
    D: i'm 42 been dabbling in it since about I was about 22
    D: i was introduced to it via on line AOL Gorean Rp
    Kush: I see
    D: to scared for a long time to get into rl . till recently
    D: from the truth of a sub .... online vs rl is a big eye opener
    Kush: that it is
    D: oh if i am boring you i will stop
    Kush: Not bored, just focusing on my priority.
    D: understandable
    Kush: /me smiles and nods

    Her attitude changed dramatically toward the end of that conversation, didn't it? Gotta love the puppies...Comments are welcome and encouraged!

  • To have someone give you control of their bodies and minds,
    to be entrusted with the responsibility to take care of them,
    to have someone willing to suffer for you,
    to forsake pride and dignity to please you...
    what other gift in this world can possibility equate to that?
    And more importantly, what makes you worthy to receive it? -- Anonymous

    One of my favorite quotes about the D/s lifestyle - and one that not many people seem to understand. Sass and I were out at Lars recently, and had a bit of an altercation with someone there. Not really an altercation, persay, just..an interruption. Said girl decided she wanted some attention, so she requested a very pointed, rather insulting song for Sass. I decided to give her the benefit of the doubt, and question her motives. The ensuing conversation turned out to be rather interesting. Names have been removed to protect the..well, not exactly innocent...judge for yourself: 

    D: Mr Sir .. I have a song being played for your girl
    Kush: Aww..how sweet!
    Kush: Hmm...the purpose of the song, if you don't mind?
    D: i'm naughty in all manners
    Kush: Ok..noted..the poijt of dedicating it to my girl?
    D: iyes shes your girl .... uts about a girl complete sumbmission to her master or dom
    Kush: Its quite the interesting song.
    Kush: When its about her...not sure I'd refer to her evee aI s a pet...but...
    D: its about obedience
    Kush: I don't require obedience...I offer
    Kush: I demand respect and offer it in turn
    Kush: this song...doesn't evoke respect
    Kush: blind obedience is for mindless *puppy girls* who can't think for themselves..not my style or my interest
    D: all doms should ...
    Kush: Not this one. I don't demand obedience - I EARN devotion
    D: i see
    Kush: All Doms SHOULD
    Kush: if someone is telling you different, you need to study up, pup...
    D: i have brought a few " wanna be" Daddy Doms to there knees
    D: I am far from a pup
    D: so what kind of dom are you ?
    Kush: Then you should know better than to think blind obedience is what any Dom worth his weight wants.
    Kush: The kind with a brain
    D: then what is your idea of submission?
    Kush: Being inspired and influenced to give all of yourself to someone who earns your trust, your respect, and your devotion.
    D: submission is a choice by the submissive that is earned through trust and respect it can not be inspired or influenced but given freely by the submissives choice
    Kush: How di you figure it can't be inspired or influenced? The sub chooses without any influence? Earning trust and respect IS influencing that decision.
    D: to use the terms of inspire or influence, leads to cohersion and I have never had to coherce anyone all I simply have to do is speak and they decide of thier own free will there is ni inspire or influence or cohersion
    Kush: That's your interpretation. The mere act of showing someone you can be trusted - to most - is inspiring and influential -if only in its rarity.
    D: indeed , can i ask how old you are ?
    D: how long you been in the life style ?
    Kush: 40, and 15 years
    D: wow not to far from me , I live with a Dom .. we are friends only
    D: i'm 42 been dabbling in it since about I was about 22
    D: i was introduced to it via on line AOL Gorean Rp
    Kush: I see
    D: to scared for a long time to get into rl . till recently
    D: from the truth of a sub .... online vs rl is a big eye opener
    Kush: that it is
    D: oh if i am boring you i will stop
    Kush: Not bored, just focusing on my priority.
    D: understandable
    Kush: /me smiles and nods

    Her attitude changed dramatically toward the end of that conversation, didn't it? Gotta love the puppies...Comments are welcome and encouraged!

Poly - a treatise of sorts

  • Polyamory (from Greek Ο€ΞΏΞ»Ο poly, "many, several", and Latin amor, "love") is the practice, desire, or acceptance of intimate relationships that are not exclusive with respect to other sexual or intimate relationships, with knowledge and consent of everyone involved. Often abbreviated as poly, it has been described as "consensual, ethical, and responsible non-monogamy". (WIKI:http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Polyamory)

    So, there is it. Now you understand Poly - go on about your lives and love it up. 
    AS IF!!
    Anyone who has ever attempted Poly knows that it ain't easy. Its a beautiful idea - who doesn't want that sense of family, of sharing, of free and open love between multiple people - not feeling stifled and restricted by the bonds of monogamy. It seems like it could be the miracle cure for the disgustingly high rate of cheating and straying. I'm no angel in that regard - I've cheated in the past, and I've been the "other guy" and I've done things I'm not proud of. Since I found my feet in the D/s world, I've stabilized, and learned the wonderful, magical intimacy that can build between two people, or more, depending. Poly has been a part of my life for many years. Its never been successful, but then, neither has monogamy...Poly seems to be the lesser of two evils in that sense. 
    Joe Walsh said it best in his song FAMILY: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UkZZAYREv-0
    Tried it before, never felt right
    I never dreamed that someday I might
    Be part of something bigger than me
    It makes me feel humble, finally I see
    All that we have is each other
    And that's all that I'll ever need

    The idea of that *family* that I tried to build in SL - with one of my oldest friends and a woman I fell in love with (while she was seeing him - and yes, I was invited, I didn't try to snake her out from under him, even if it sort of worked out to happen in that direction - it wasn't intended.). It SHOULD have been wonderful. It SHOULD have been perfect and amazing and just...brilliant. The reality sort of fell short. 

    In any relationship - whether its monogamy or poly, friendship or romantic or D/s or whatever - you have to have similar - or at least complementary - goals and ideologies. You have to communicate. You have to trust. You have to work to keep things solid and support one another, not to actively undermine one another. 
    In Poly this becomes much more difficult to achieve, as you have - in my cae - 3 people involved, all of whom need to communicate, and work together toward a shared goal. You have three people who have to communicate. Three people who have to learn to trust one another, Much easier said than done.
    In my case, what became apparent was that two of the three people have the same (or similar) goals and ideologies. Two people have similar needs and desires. Two people are compatible in many, many ways. The third..who started as the first...not so much.. Relationship isn't what that person wants, more like a ready built threesome whenever he wants one, and has no interest in anything beyond kinky fun. 
    These disparate interests have caused problems. They have caused frustration. They have caused anger and tears and hurt feelings. When these negative emotions happen, my willingness to suck it up goes out the window. 
    For those in the know - the concept of "compersion" doesn't really kick in here. Im not sure if its this specific situation or not, but I am begining to realize that maybe I'm not cut out for Poly. At least not this way, and not with someone that I feel so much for. Not with someone that I have suuch a strong connection with, and over whom I feel increasingly protectively possessive. 
    The more our onnection grow, the closer we become, the more of herself that Sarah offers to me, the more confident and stronger I feel in our relationship. The more I see her as MINE. 
    I added some words to my profile last night: 
    A submissive craves to be held and protected, to be safe and happy, and to be in the arms of a man who puts her above all else. Where some women want companionship with their partners, or a relationship standing on equal ground with their lovers, a submissive wants just a bit more.
    To feel deeply.
    To love deeply, and be loved in return.
    To know that she belonged - with every sense of the word - to one man, and that He belonged to her.
    I think that captures where my head is at right now, as far as Sarah's and My relationship goes. 
    When my eyes turn green because she is getting ready to carry through with a *date* with the 3rd in our connection - one she admittedly isn't comfortable going on - one in which I am nearly posiitive he's going to try to manipulate the situation to provoke something that he wants her to do for him. 
    The questions runing through my head echo my own insecurities, and that pisses me off too...
    Why is she still going through with it? 
    If she does, will she really not do what he wants, as she promised? Will she stick to the commitment she made when faced with him being less than pleased with her?
    Do I even have the right to be jealous?
    Do I have the right to say anything about how I'm feeling?
    Should I put my foot down and say NO, this isn't happening anymore? 
    What happens if I do that? If I force a choice? What is he going to do? What is she going to do? Most of all...my biggest concern, in any of this, and if I'm being completely honest, the ONE thing that is making me continue to *suck it up*, and that made me stay in this when I started feeling jealous over what happened on my birthday...
    If it were just her and I...would I be enough? Would she resent me? Would she feel trapped and stifled and restricted, or would she thrive knowing she is loved and cherished as much as possible by one person? Seeing as how much she enjoys attention and flirtation and the like when we go out..I don't want to push her into anything she would regret later. I've told Sass time and time again - make your decsions for YOU. Stop and tae the time each little babystep of the way to do a complete 360 and make **** sure you want to be where you are and where you are going before you take another step. Don't rush. Don't make rash decisions. Take your time and KNOW what you want. 
    I suppose that's what I'm doing. Well, no - I know what I want. I just don't know if I should or even could have it. 
    Conflicted much, Kush? 


New Beginnings

  • Just a quick entry to get some thoughts off my mind. No pictures in this one, as I've not taken them yet, but I will post some soon. 
    Recently someone from my not so distant past resurfaced and needed a shoulder to whine on - one which I had committed to providing when I walked from the sitaution. Some people - namely all the women in my life - seem to think that this was a boneheaded move on my part and I should've just cut this person off cold turkey, no friendship, no compassion, as none was really offered to me - but at the same token, these women also know that its not in my makeup any more than it would be in theirs to be that cold toward someone they care(d) about. At any rate - it worked out ok. Sarah got a little...upset, maybe...bothered, more like..troubled, even...by my still being in contact with said ex. I can understand that, completely. I have my moments of being a little tcked off and jealous when she trills over some guy she dated or gets upset because someone she once wanted something more with is dating someone new or ignoring her, or says she doesn't think of someone as a relative kinda way because of how hot they are. Yes, I get jealous. Yes, I have a tendency to get a little pissy about it. Its who I am, and I'm working on lessening those responses. 
    Anyways...bringing me to the point of this blog - new beginnings. Its been just over 5 weeks now that Sarah and I have been together, and its been completely amazing. There are the occassional speed bumps and growing pains, but we work through them rather well. This latest one, about the past, prompted me to want to make some changes. 
    Some people, I'm sure, can relate to the act of moving to new land, getting a new house, or even just getting a new bed with you enter into a new relationship in SL. All of which weve done. Some can also relate to the desire to change your look up. To let go of your past and be a *new version* of yourself - someone you've nevver been with anyone else. Be it a new hairstyle, a different look, or an all out new skin and shape (through the magic of SL this can all be yours for the low low price of around L$10,000!!!). This is what I did. 
    I started out slow...with some facial hair that Sarah mentioned she found sexy. That prompted me to grab a demo shape, and I really liked the way the legs looked, so I spent the time to transfer all my numbers and make it Kush v 1.5. Today I went to some of the menstuff fairs out and around the grid, and found some stuff that I really liked. This prompted me to go skin shopping, and, yes. A new skin, completely new, changed up the look I've had for nearly 2 years now rather drastically, in fact. But it still feels like ME - just ME v 2.0, LOL. 
    The best part? Not only do *I* feel like a new man, but I get to offer this fresh start to Sarah, so that she has something tangibly different of me all to herself. Some pieces of me that no one else has ever had. She's shared so much of herself with me, this is the least I can do for her. I just hope she likes the finished product after the initial shock wears off, LOL. We shall see! New pics coming soon, I'm sure! 
     A song for my beautiful girl:
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mS8xDo-qM8w

Speed Bumps

So sunday was my birthday (rl) and, as the weather was **** all over the eastern half of the US, I spent it indoors online with Sarah. Besides which, that's the place I'd most like to be, save only for having her in my arms IRL. (speaking of IRL..the birthday present she sent me..one of her very personal art journals. She shared a piece of herself with me. I was beyond touched, it truthfully brought tears to my eyes. No one has ever shared so much of themselves with me. Its...astoundingly beautiful. I can't thank you enough, babygirl...). The day started out great - we woke up together, as per our usual, and started shopping for our sim. Yes, we moved again, LOL. Sarah needed more prims! Anyways...we were shopping at various fairs and having a great time. We've both gotten over our shyness enough to be able to be on vocie with one another. Typing now just seems..idk..like a step backwards. You can't go back, you know? 
Some pics of our place, still a work in progress:
Anyways..the day was going great, just spending time together, hanging out, working on our home together. Then Logan logged in. This should have been a GOOD thing - our whole family sending time together on my birthday, what could be better, right? But no...things have been...awkward at best with him of late. I'm not sure why or what, but its been off. We rarely talk, more than casual "hey, how goes?" with 5 minutes between responses kinda thing. Being on voice with Sarah while he's typing also gives me more insight into the dynamic between the two of them, and the fact he does the same **** with her. 
I know Sarah has been missin ghim lately, since he's not on much, and she needed some time with him. As much as I wanted to be a selfish bastard and stick around, playing the birthday card, I didn't. I knew from experience that he wouldn't be on that long, so I said hi and went off exploring for awhile to give them some time together. 
<**** birthday...you're going to come into SL for the first time in over a week, ignore me, not even say happy bday, and then take our girl off to do something she doesn't want to do, that you know **** well she told me she wouldn't do? Seriously??!!! 
Yeah...I was PISSED. BEYOND pissed - I was livid. I hear this from Sarah after he logs for awhile, saying he'll be back soon. I half expected it from him. I did not expect her to say "ok". 
I was physically ill from that, had to log off and get my **** together. It was about 30, 45 mins later we sat down and talked about it. It took me that long to calm down and realize that this is part of her "I need to please everyone above myself" issues. That she said ok to avoid disappointing the man in front of her. It took me that long to realize how much she must be feeling pulled in 2 directions. After I calmed down enough to talk about it without shaking or expresing my own pain over the whole situation - I was able to see things from her perspective. To see that she didn't agree to hurt me, but more to keep the peace. 
We talked through it...we got through it. There were tears..there was anger...there was hurt and pain on both ends. It was a speed bump. I was proud of the way we talked it out. I was especially proud of Sarah for sticing up for herself and her own desires and needs. I want her to be able to put her OWN needs first. To consider what SHE wants, and how to please HERSELF, above others. Yes - even me. I am mature enough to realize that the happier SHE is, the more HER needs are met, the more I put into meeting HER needs - the more she will do for me. The more she will want to make me happy. You've heard the old "if mama ain't happy ain't nobody happy" adage? Well, its true, LOL. Aside from that, I love her, and I would do anything to make her happy. 
I'm not even addressing the Logan thing right now. Its just...No. I'm not going there, lol. I'm fousing on Sarah and I, on our relationship and stabilizing it. I'm setting my priorities in order. I'm not making someone a priority in my life if they barely see me as an option. Take heart - that's **** good advice!! 
So Logan logged back in about an hour later, after Sarah and I had talked it out, and she'd told him she wouldn't go out with him that night ebcause it was my birthday and she was spending it with me. She invited him to spend time with US - he demured and logged out without a word a few moments later. Did he ever say happy birthday, after being close friends with me for 5 years? NOPE. Not a word. So yeah - priorities. 
Sarah and I spent the rest of the night together, it was blissful and wonderful and perfect and mindblowingly intense. We fell aslepe in each others arms on the beach, listening to the fire and the waves, with the horses neighing and the wolves howling in the background. 
The speed bump was successfully navigated. We woke up the next morning in each others' arms, in each others' ears, and very much in love. Happy birthday to me :)))

Finding Balance

  • One of the most important lessons anyone who spends time in Secondlife has to learn - is balance. It can be a very intense experience, and very addictive, given the right situations. Something about Secondlife, about interacting in the virtual world, tends to make things happen a lot faster and a lot more intensely than they would in the real world. Maybe its that in SL we don't have the insecurities and foibles and physical restrictions and cautions that we do in SL. We're all perfect versions of ourselves in SL, we all have vehicles and money and nice clothes and someplace romantic or sexy or whatever that we can take that someone special to *woo* them. Its easier there. Its also easy to tell ourselves, as justification, that "this isn't real...its a game...I'm playing a role" when we have that wise voice in the back of our heads shouting at us to "SLOW THE F&%K DOWN!" Because of all these things, our hearts get caught up in an SL relationship long before our heads catch up with us. This isn't always - or even usually - a bad thing. We just need to learn to listen to that voice. 

    I'm guilty of not listening to it enough lately. Meeting Sarah...our connection is incredible. Its addictive...she's addictive. We've both neglected RL too much since we met one another, and we realize that, and we're working on it actively. Our emotions transcend the virtual world, and the desire for more is most definitely felt - powerfully. However, we were both reminded the other night by a most unexpected but welcome voice of reason, that we need to slow it down, be realisstic, find balance, and give our heads time to catch up to our hearts. 
    Whether its apparent or acceptable to some (like I care? If you have an issue with our lifestyle, stop reading) - Sarah and I are poly, and we are in a poly family - a triad - with one of my oldest friends in SL, Logan. Sarah has two men who love her dearly, and want what is best for her, and who care about one another a great deal as well. Its really a pretty wonderful situaton. There are some minor issues here and there, but we all work them through as we come to them. I'm not launching into a huge diatribe on our lifestyle here, except to say that one of the major values of it came into play the other night. 

     
    The night started out with Sarah wanting to go dancing at Lar's. As per usual, she was dancing for me, showing off her moves, something she is so very very good at! We were there for awhile when Logan showed up, and came to the club. even more fun watching Sarah dance for both of us..
    .
    So anyways...for those of you who aren't familiar with Lar's - its a friendly neighborhood club with great music and fairly open, kinky patrons. Its a relaxed, fun place to let your hair down. And they have bar dancers - lots of bar dancers. Bar dancers who unwittingly and unintentionally contributed to some...insecurity moments the other night. I'll forego the details here, but suffice it to say, the night became rather tense, and there were a lot of communication and growth moments throughout the evening between Sarah and I. The fact that we breezed through "our first fight" with minimal scratches, and are still very much in love and happy, isn't surprising. I suppose I shouldn't be surprised that Logan provided the balance either. I'm very grateful that he did, however. 

    Our little incident was a speedbump, which Logan was quick to point out. It was an artifact of not taking enough time to allow trust to grow and develop before trying to test it, however minimally. He introduced the concept of patience and the need to find balance between SL and RL. Logan, my brother, the man who has ever been the biggest horndog I know, the voice of reason and the emotional neutral...the insightful center stability of our family who saw through both of our BS and got to the real issues...to say I was impressed iis an understatement...to say I am grateful...doesn't begin to express it. 

    After a lot of talking and loving moments, we were able to work through everything and arrive at the conclusion that yes, we do need to work harder at finding a balance. Yes, we do need to press pause on the *sense of urgency* and just enjoy our time together for awhile, giving our heads time to catch up to our hearts. These are very good developments, and take a lot of the pressure off. Its a valuable lesson, for anyone to learn. Its important to remember the intensity of SL and how very real it gets. Emotions have a tendency to transcend worlds, and override any barriers you might put up. In secondlife - its not unheard of, or even uncommon, to fall head over heels in love with someone within a month (or less) - someone who you might never have heard their voice, you might not have a RL picture of them, you might not know their last name (probably don't, in fact), if you even know their first. None of that detracts from the absolute reality of the emotions though. That is something that you just cannot explain or express to someone who hasn't been through it.

    So, the important part is, we talked it out, we got through the speedbump, and we are stronger than we were before. It was an important lesson, taught by someone very important to both of us, someone we are both proud to call a beloved part of our family.
    And now..a couple happy pictures of myself and the woman I am "unconditionally and irrevocably in love with" :) 
     

A sense of urgency...

Leave it to me to focus on the one mildly negative part of my SL these days, lol. Not even negative, just...on my mind. I woke up this morning from a long night of weird dreams. In them, I was trying desperately to get something to Sarah...at one point ot was to keep her on the road in a snowstorm...another it was some sort of scaffolding (my brain...is...seriously f&*%ed up, I'ld admit)..but all the different scenarios involved some sort of stability or safety. I awoke with a sense of urgency left over, and its stuck with me all day. Its strange, and while I suspect I know what caused it, I can't seem to override it. Anyways..I thought blogging about our advntures so far might be a good way to get my mind off of it! 

Let's see..since my first post..Sarah and I have ben spending every spare minute together on SL, which has been...amazing. I won't get all gushy and mushy. Suffice it to say, I can't ever remember being happier, or feeling more loved. We got a small plot of land to spread out a bit on, and have discovered a mutual love of shopping and decorating. Its wonderful to share that with someone. Its always just been me doing the decorating. Its pretty amazing seeing our home take shape and be reflective of BOTH of our tastes and personalities. Plus, she's so freaking talented that she just astounds me with her choices, and I keep sneaking more of her art into the house :D She's so cute when she gets all blushy...

Of course, our mutually expansive natures and need to nest tend to make for a very high prim count..so we might be moving again soon, LOL. She's going to hate that we have to redo everything, but I'll make it up to her. Besides, we both love doing it. 


We've been slowly doing the BURIED hunt from MadPeas...and its driving us both insane - but in a mildly enjoyable way :D I'll write another post about the family sitaution later..not quite formulated on that one yet :) 
We spent a good deal of time a couple weeks ago taking pictures...haven't taken the time to edit many yet, but I will - I swear! 

Oh! I amost forgot! Sarah drug my *** outta bed one morning last week - still in PJs - for an early morning ASN party. I have some pictures from that, albeit blurry eyed and unedited. 
That was a great avi :D There was supposed to be flashmobbing as homeless people later that night, but apparenlty it didn't happen. Oh well :D Looking forward to the next event!
There is a holiday coming up soon...I'm sure I will be blogging something about that over the weekend :) 
One other thing..since I insist on being as "real" as possible in SL...Sarah convinced me to lighten the look a bit...so off came the tattoos..and the hair went back to something a little more calm and normal...I like it actually. The lack of tattoos is...very freeing. Feels like a fresh start, and I needed one. 

Ok, I'm done rambling...for now :)