Friday, July 31, 2015

The State of Our Union

I am a firm believer in the power of cathartic writing - just letting the words, the thoughts, the emotions, pour out of you and onto the paper (or screen, as it were). I strongly advocate journaling/blogging to anyone I am close to - and obviously, I engage in it myself. With Ang, we use blogging as way to...check in with one another. Sometimes in the midst of a discussion where both parties have a tendency to intellectualize when they feel at all defensive, things go from happy and productive to educational and removed, and emotions get left by the wayside. That said, writing is a good way to say those things that aren't always so easy to say face to face or in real time. As the intimacy level of the immediate exchange rises, so it gets more difficult to say things that you worry might cause discomfort or distress to your partner. Its easier to journal than to chat, easier to chat than to voice, easier to voice than to skype, and easier to skype than to be face to face - although there, you can *reach out and touch someone*, and that tends to cure most ill feelings...

There has been a lot of journaling going on over the past month or so. As Ang and I re-learn one another and reconnect on multiple levels, there are a lot of issues that arise and are hashed out, on a daily basis. There is much more often joy and pleasure and absolute bliss at simply being in one anothers' presence.

While we are journaling frequently, others are as well. I could write a dissertation on that topic, but I won't. I will simply quote Shakespeare (or Harry Potter, depending on your level of culture) by saying "Truth will out..."

Instead, I use my blog to write about things that matter to me. Things that are important to me. Things that affect me and effect my present and future happiness. As I state on my profile, credit for my happy goes to Angela - my "co-conspirator to breaking all manner of blue laws". My Angela - My kitten, My Princess, my Queen, My Love, My Soulmate, my past, my present, and my future.

We have tested, pushed, and surmounted many limits - to amazing effect - in the past few weeks. We've learned that two switchy people with control issues can not only work together and cooperate, but do so seamlessly and beautifully. We've learned that tables turn at a moments' notice, and we ride the waves together and come out in one another's arms. We've learned that past scars can still ache and even bleed from time to time, but its nothing that communication and reassurances won't repair. We've learned that even when we might think we are on opposite ends of the spectrum, we are a lot closer than either of us knew - and a lot more similar. We've learned that boundaries only exist to protect ourselves from untrustworthy others..but when two people have pure and absolute trust in one another, boundaries have no place, and no further use.

Perhaps most importantly, we've learned that when you truly love and care about another person, and they love and care about you, you fight for one another. You don't give up, you don't walk away. You KNOW within your heart of hearts that what is best for the both of you is to be together, and you fight like hell  everyday to make it work.You build one another up, enhance each other, celebrate victories together and mourn defeats, working together to *get it next time*. Never should a phrase amounting to "You're not good're not what I're not enough for me..." come out of your lips. You love. You live. You protect. And in so doing, you create your own happiness.

So, in closing, I will just add...Life is wonderful, and I have never been happier or more hopeful for the future.

The 10 Womandments

Dear Ladies of SecondLife,

This is not the blog I intended to post today.  I have a beautiful 5-page post of how magnificent things have been going with K, but I’m going to post that to him privately.  Instead, I feel the need to address my gender in SecondLife.  This post is not directed at any one woman specifically, though a couple come to mind, but instead I choose to address us as a whole, because I am so sick and tired of all of the drama you bring onto yourselves, onto me, and the people I love.

I can no longer abide being your supportive sister.  I can no longer listen while you sob on my shoulder about the world’s injustices, but do nothing to fix it.  I will no longer sit back and let you be in an abusive relationship with yourself.  Instead, I am here to provide you with the truth, the whole truth and nothing but.  I am doing it because I love women; we are magnificent, beautiful creatures.  You deserve better; we deserve better; men deserve better.

We were born with the capacity to endure insane amounts of pain to bring life into this world.  We have kisses that can soothe and heal; our protective instincts tell us to sacrifice ourselves for those we love.  So why are we, as women, pegging ourselves constantly as the victim?  Why can we summon the inner strength that can move cars to save our children, but cannot be bothered to lift a finger to move ourselves out of harmful situations.  From my experience both with my sisters, SL-isters, and with myself, here is about 25 cents worth of free advice:

  1. Grow the fuck up.  Seriously.  Grow.  The Fuck. Up.  We are not in grade school.  We have jobs, kids, bills, responsibilities, etc.  Let’s act like it.  Let’s act like we understand how the world works, whether you believe in karma, “doing the Christian thing”, or the golden rule.  Tit for tat resolves NOTHING.  It just makes you more miserable because you’re either going to be on the receiving end of an even BIGGER tit for tat strike or because the person you struck is completely unphased.  
  2. Take ownership of your life.  Accept responsibility for your contribution and exacerbation of the situation that makes you unhappy.  And no, sisters, I am not promoting the mentality of “it’s okay he screams at me, I made him angry.”   What I am saying is that it’s your responsibility to make your own changes to better your circumstances.  Don’t like how things are going?  Address it or move on.  Those are your options.  Staying while bitching publicly or to your fellow gal pals about it is NEVER a solution.
  3. Love yourself.  Yes you, the one mentally beating yourself up because you think your past history has proved you unlovable, unattractive and unworthy.  Love yourself.  There is someone who loves you for exactly who you are, and if you can’t love yourself for the same purpose, you might as well tell those who love you that they are foolish.  As someone who has been on the giving and receiving end, both are a miserable place to be.  On the other hand…
  4. Stop being an attention whore.  So what you have nice things? So what you have a cute body/avi?  So what you’re quick with a sly, nasty dig at the expense of others?  Confidence is Sexy; Arrogance is disgusting. Selflessness is Sexy; Selfishness is disgusting.  Kindness is sexy; Cuntiness is disgusting (yes girls, I said the c-word).  It doesn’t take people long to realize that while you’re gorgeous on the outside, on the inside you’re a disgusting troll.  Not even the cute ones with the jewel tummies either.
  5. Stop the jealousy.  So your gal pal has nice things? Or a nice body/avi? Or a sharp wit?  Well I guarantee she has a whole slew of things about herself she isn’t pleased with about herself.  You will never be her; you will never have what she has.  Be grateful.  You will never have her problems either; you will never have her weaknesses.  Speaking of….
  6. Stop the obsession.  Let’s forgive ourselves for our flaws and weaknesses.  Let’s forgive each other for the jealousy and cattyness.  Let’s forgive those who have hurt us.  Carrying around all that baggage and bullshit makes us heavier than any sweet treat could.  I realize all too well that it’s hard to let go of the pain, but LET IT GO!  You’re only hurting yourself.  The person who you’re obsessing over is not the slightest bit hurt by your masochistic dwelling.  You’re feeding the problem, not starving it away.  
  7. Stop yo-yoing people.  Do you honestly think flirting with another man will make your man come closer to you?  Do you think alienating your sisters will endear them to you?  Do you think that dropping off the planet will make people MORE apt to notice your absence?  Short answer - no.  Trust begets trust.  Honesty begets honesty.  Communication begets communication.  Love begets love.
  8. Take a risk.  Run - don’t walk, scamper or crawl - towards what makes you happy. Sure as FUCK don’t stare at it and think that telepathy or telekinesis is going to bring your happy to you.  If it’s worth it, it will be hard, constant work, but if it were easy, it wouldn’t be as valuable.  Seriously ladies, go out and grab that happy with both hands.  It will necessitate you being vulnerable and possibly getting hurt, but it’s WORTH IT!  And besides, what hurts worse, trying and failing or the pang of never even giving it a shot?
  9. Start a good or stop a bad trend.  Our lives are our legacies.  We show people what to expect of us from our past and present behavior.  We also set the bar for what behavior we will expect in return.  Want to forever be a cumdumpster?  Then go ahead and let that one night stand take advantage of you because he showed you the least bit of attention.  Want to forever be labeled a liar?  Then go ahead and tell one more white lie to cover your tracks. Only you can give yourself a do-over.
  10. Be authentic.  To repeat my favorite phrase, “Let’s be real.”  You, whoever you are, have a beautiful soul, whether that’s on your sleeve or buried deep, deep, DEEEEEEP within you under layers of barbed wire, toxic gas, and bubble wrap.  It’s okay.  I won’t tell anyone you have one if you won’t tell anyone I have one.  Can we cut the bullshit already? The pretension, the airs, the catty nastiness?  Can we please just live and let live?  

I am disabling comments because I care not to receive any repercussive remarks.  Just take to heart what I say.  I hope it helps catalyze positive changes.

With Perfect Sisterly (Tough) Love,


Wednesday, July 22, 2015

Our Power Exchange

"When a man truly loves a woman, she becomes his weakness. 
When a woman truly loves a man, he becomes her strength. 
This is called an exchange of power." -- unknown

"In a sense, you will find that it does not matter what stance you 
take in bondage and discipline games. Either role 
done well transcends into the other, and to be 
done well both require trust." -- Lady Ravinia

"A switch is someone who participates in BDSM activities
sometimes as a top and other times as a bottom 
or (in the case of dominance and submission)
sometimes as a dominant and other times
as a submissive." -- Wiki

Now that we've gotten the education out of the way, we can get down to the point :) 

Today I woke up to the most touching and beautiful reminder of exactly why I love Angela (and the amazing woman behind her). One month ago, I asked her to be Mine, and she accepted. With her permission, I'm sharing the chat log (edited a bit for privacy and brevity) from that evening. 

Kush: grins and looks into your eyes, taking a deep steadying breath and brushing your 
hair back from your shouldersfingertips caressing your neck
Angela: lashes flutter, her face serene with sweet affection, hugging tightly to you, 
making up for lost time one sync'd heartbeat at a time.
Kush: "Its been a pretty perfect day, imho...and a very happy one, shopping for stuff 
to build OUR secondlife with
Kush: Would you agree, babygirl?
Angela: Any day where I am at your side, is a perfect day. Any day where I get the 
tiniest moment of your affection, is a perfect day.  Any day where there is a fleeting 
thought of me in your mind, is a perfect day.
Kush: whimpers, so touched by your words, crushing my hips to yours and your body to 
Kush: brushes my fingertips over your face, looking into your eyes "You had a moment 
of..insecurity, maybe? Not sure what that was alice...can you elaborate on 
what as bothering you, baby?"
Angela: oh the collar comment - it was a little embarrassment for jumping that gun - 
and feeling like the typical over eager swept away senseless girl.
Kush: tips your chin up to look into your eyes "Was that disappointment?"
Angela: blushes and tries to keep her gaze steady. "Um.... yes and no.  I mean I know 
in time all will be as it should be.  I just don't like to crack the cool, calm 
collected unflappable veneer."
Angela: even though I know you can see straight thru me
Kush: smirks
Kush: looks into your eyes, and pushes a button I've been holding onto all 
day...sitting back, and waiting...
Angela: "omg yes yes yes a million and a half times yes and of course!"
Angela:leaps and topples you to the blanket
Kush:beams and wraps you sooo tight
Kush: rolls with you onto our sides, kissing you tenderly
Angela: kisses you so hard, stealing your breath with the intensity of her kisses, 
pulling you hard to her, "Omg you wicked wicked thing!" and laughs heartily wrapping 
her whole body around you
Angela: turns pink and tears a bit and hugs onto you hard.
Kush: looks into your eyes "I decided to risk coming off as rushing...because..I'm not 
*getting* to know you...Ive known you...I've been in love with you for years..and I've 
wanted you for years."
Kush: This isn't a "convenience" thing...this asking you to be MINE. 100% 
Angela: chuckles and laughs, blinking a sparkling tear rolling down her face, "I am 
yours, 100%.  You are my purpose and my everything and I couldn't be more lucky and 
flattered and elated."
Kush: I want you, Ang. I need you. I choose you. I will always choose you. You have 
been my #1 - my absolute ideal - since the day I met you. In any and every life, I am 
Kush: crushes my mouth to yours, tears filling my eyes (happy ones)
Kush: I love you, Ang
Angela: Oh I love you tooo!
Angela: hugs so tightly to you, "I love so much and have from the first moment."
Kush: beams and can't stop kissing you
Angela: sniffles and laughs and locks her limbs around you
Angela: pops open the little box, "Omg, this is GORGEOUS"
Angela: hugs you hard, "Omg you sweet, just.... you take my breath away."
Kush: I may have intended to do this a little later, but today was just so perfect, 
and It felt right. But I wasn't going to let you go to fL without knowing how 
I felt..what I wanted, and that I'd be right here waiting when you got back
Kush: fastens your collar, locking it on and plants a tender kiss at the base of your 
Kush: looks into your eyes, softly growling "Mine"
Angela: beams affectionately, and hugs you tightly, "Oh you wonderful wonderful love 
of mine.  I know you're mine but this just... oh this is just so perfect."
Kush: just can't stop smiling..." is beyond are YOU..."
Angela: blushes, "we are perfect for each other."

Our relationship has been elaborated on in previous posts, by both of us, so I won't recount the bliss of it here. What I will talk of is our power exchange.

Ang and I are both switches, and quite comfortable in either role, depending on our partners' needs and desires. She leans a little more naturally toward submissive, at least with men, and I lean more naturally towards Dominant, with anyone. Anyone who is familiar with D/s should have at least a basic understanding of this concept. If you don't, follow the Wiki link above and study up!

The absolute beauty of our connection is in its dynamic nature. We are extremely compatible, as our zodiac signs would confirm:

"Virgo is ruled by Mercury and Pisces is ruled by Jupiter and Neptune. 

When Mercury and Neptune come together a beautiful 
spiritual connection is made. Together, they represent 
an idealistic partnership. Pisces is also ruled by Jupiter. 
This adds a yang energy to the combination and represents 
philosophy, expansion and excesses. This trio brings 
excellent communication, empathy, imagination 
and creativity to the relationship." --

Beyond that, we just WORK. We FLOW. We shouldn' all rights...we are two hot-tempered switches with self esteem and control issues and perfectionist tendencies. But we DO. We work beautifully, wonderfully, perfectly. We flow around each other like water, lapping at each others edges and curves, slowly smoothing away the rough edges and fitting together naturally. We adjust to one anothers' moods smoothly and easily, giving and taking in equal measure, keeping each other balanced and stable.

This balance works as well between us in everyday interaction as it does in D/s. When she is having a bad day, I am there to hold and comfort, commiserate, listen, distract, whatever is needed. When I'm having a bad day, she is there with open arms, being the strong one, letting me fall apart for a bit and helping piece me back together better than before.

I'm no stranger to being the strong one, the Daddy, the Dominant one in the relationship, the rock. Its a comfortable, natural role for me, and one I take to like a duck to water. I have been told that I'm good at reading people, at knowing what they need and what is the best thing for them in any given situation or mood. I agree with that, for the most part - I'm not without my faults and foibles.

What IS new to me, however, is what Ang offers. She asks what *I* need. She tries to be there for me. She asks what *I* want, not just expects me to make decisions all the time for both of us. She accepts that I have moments of weakness and need, without letting it color her view of me negatively, or lessen her respect for me. She sees me, she accepts me, everything about me, openly, completely, and without question, doubt, or hesitation. I do the same for her.

I say this is new to me, but its not. Its new in a relationship like this, as I've never known it as such. It is not wholly new, however. There is a reason she has always been in my sights, always been my ideal. Ang has always offered this. She is the most beautiful, strongest, most capable woman I've ever known, in every possible way. What she sees as her flaws only make her more beautiful. When her veneer cracks, she lets me glimpse the vulnerable girl inside, the dark & twisty insecure, oftentimes angry and resentful, little girl inside...she opens up to me, and that girl comes out and crawls into my lap, lays against my chest, and lets me comfort and soothe her - lets herself be seen, and heard, and loved. And that gift - is impossibly precious and beautiful. Its a treasure without comparison, and it makes me feel so amazing and so valued and needed and loved and STRONG. Her weaknesses - those things she considers such - make me strong when she shares them with me. That act of sharing makes US stronger.

This exchange is a two way street. Because she shares everything with me, because she submits and opens up and allows herself to be vulnerable in front of makes me strong enough to do the same. For the first time in my life - in ANY life - I can freely and lovingly open myself to her. Submit to her. Show her all of me, offer her all of me, every piece of me is Hers, just as every piece of her is Mine.

Because of this energy and power flow, because we fit so beautifully, it makes collaborating on things so much easier. I got inspired by a Hozier song, "Angel of small death and the codeine scene", because it embodied - for me - the nature of the flip side of our D/s connection. I mentioned it to Ang, and suggested doing a photoshoot with the lyrics as our inspiration. The next morning, I wake up to a very excited kitten who had gone through MP and found the perfect poses to illustrate a pictorial using the lyrics to that song. We were able to put our heads - and hearts - together, and each chose a pose for every stanza in the song, and together worked out the staging and sets and costuming and such. It was a true collaboration. There was no sense of competition or anything of the sort. We collaborated and cooperated, in every sense of the word. The results...were beautiful...just like our connection. But don't take my word for it - see for yourself! 

The inspiration:

HOZIER - Angel of small death and the codeine scene

And, because its a blog, the style cards:

Our Power Exchange blog style card

Pool Table - Tartessos Arts
Darius Couch - Zerkalo
Eugenie's Armchair - Zerkalo
DIY Hanging Lights Grunge - Apt B
Flea Market Finds Old Window frames - Second Spaces
Cluttered House Pile of board games - Second Spaces
The halfbreed beer bucket - tight.
Periodic Table by Cheeky Pea
Spool Furniture Set by [kunst]
Nerd Art by floorplan
Wannabe boho floor cusion by junk.
build: Designer Prims Lil Skybox

Middle Earth set by Come Soon
Log from Back to Nature by Bounce This Poses

My Mistress set by Come Soon
build: Designer Prims Lil Skybox
Oiseau es Chandelles by Cheeky Pea
Persephone Day Lounger by Cheeky Pea
The New Royals set by Fetch
Bondage Ropes by NBN
Frames: TA 212 Wall Art

Outfits (Kush):
#TheMeshProject Deluxe Body
Shape: my own
Eyes: {LOBA} Real Eyes Infinity
Bram by Damselfly - dark brown (long)
EMO-tions Lestat - Dark Brown (pony)
Open Jeans by Invictus
TMP Speedo no1 by Dufaux
Skin & Tatts: 
Judas T2 by 7 Deadly s{k}ins
Body hair for #TMP Shade #15 by L&E
[TS] Goatee - brown
aberrant// Hickey (neck)
**JOMO** etched hair 08b
+H+ Half-Deer - Fly Away Tattoo
Tattoo: Timeless Sleeve Tattoo by Pimp My Shit
Hickies by Ama
::envi:: Ailin Ear Piercings
:Hebenon vial: MALE MOD: Against the Stream [Decay] piercings
[Tethered] Ring/Leash Holder - Eternity Diamond Ring
Eyebrow piercing double left by Unorthadox
PBM Genetics Pierced Nipples
PBM Men's Harness
Ball Gag by real Restraint 
Bright Cuffs by AnimAlive
DAX Harness Gag
Blindfold by Come Soon
Collar Sasha padlock by Salt & Pepper
Silver Cross men's earring by Celtic Myst
Tree of life relic ring by Celtic Myst

Outfits (Ang):
Body: Maitreya Mesh Body - Lara with Long Dark Red Nails
Shape: Mine
Eyes: {LOBA} - Real Eyes Infinity - Blue
Skin: Glam Affair - Amberly - Jamaica 07 BL
Tattoo: White Widow - Midnight in Paris
*BC Designs* Free Mesh Eyelashes (set 1 and 2 worn together)
Dazed - Majestic Eyeshadow - Obsidian
enVouge - Alice - Light Blondes (updo)
Truth Hair - Bronwyn - Light Blondes (long)
DeVicious - Out of Your League - Red Leather (Special Edition Colors)
Maitreya - Thigh High Boots - Liquorice Leather
Sassy - Gramercy Leather Corset - Black
DuckNipple - Ani Hotpants
Dollle - 080 Unbuttoned Loose Shirt - Purple
JCNY - Saryh - Hyper-Gems - Diamond Nose Piercing
Lip Piercing: Punch - Level I
~Raven Parnas~ Sterling Silver Large Hoop Earrings

1 - Pose: You're Going Nowhere - RACK w/acc.
2 - My Mistress by Come Soon Poses
3 - Heels by RACK
4 - His Guardian by Something Erotic
5 - You can look but you can't touch by RACK
6 - Your arms around me by [DB]poses
7 - Under her thumb by Double Take
8 - Boy Toy by RACK
9 - Come Close by RoLu poses
10 - Dominize Me by Something Erotic
11 - Embody by Shea-La-Vie
12 - Je te aime by Something Erotic
13 - feline by Zipi
14 - Mine #05 by The Domina
15 - Back to Nature by Bounce This Poses
16 - Primal by Infinity Poses
17 - Come to me by Awear
18 - Under Pressure by Double Take
19 - Thrall Three by oOo Studio
20 - Conquer by Thrust

Sunday, July 12, 2015

Kitty Korner: Visions

I admire people who see themselves clearly - not just clearly, but accurately, as the world sees them.  They throw out so easily who they are in life, ever cognizant of their identity.  The cynic in me disparages them as unoriginal hacks, parroting the the age-old song about embracing your inner dichotomies: "I'm a bitch; I'm a mother; I'm a child; I'm a lover; I'm a sinner; I'm a saint."  That part of me is just jealous that I cannot do the same with ease.

I have never possessed that accurate self-awareness.  One look into myself and I see all the flaws, faults, and weaknesses.  I see cracks in the veneer, chinks in the armor, and two halves that never quite made a whole lot of anything, that was until I came face to face with my bright mirror.

---Back Story---

I've been spending a lot of time with K, lately. Spending time seems to be a gross understatement, implying casualness and passiveness. My time with K has been anything but.

The story has been told before.  We met about 100 years ago SLT, okay more like 5ish RL years. During the course of those 5 years, we wove in and out of reach others' lives, a constant dance, back and forth, together and afar, right to the edge of falling, but never quite letting go.  Through stints online and absences away, we always managed to pick right back up where we left off, as if time had not passed, stronger and closer realer than before.

I most recently returned, prodigally, if you were ask K, about 3 months ago, from an extended SL absence.  He and I reconnected again, as if no time had passed - except it had. He had this whole life I wasn't sure where I fit.  I felt on the outside, nose pressed to the glass, observing this wonderful cozy fairytale. 

I can't speak for K, but my feelings were a slow boil - a nameless rumble within - occasional bubble of heated emotion that would rise up within me. I found myself watching the tender moment and felt like an invader, then it'd bubble "I want that." An intense gaze exchanged, another bubble, "I want that."

Over the next few months, like evolution, "I want that" became "I want him" became "I need him."

Sadness and endings pull people together; it pulled us together.  Exhaustion from sleeplessness and maintaining pretense resulted in a stray comment, a long, honest discussion, and the rest is recent history, granted, not without its share of drama.

It's been told before, our story. K's spun that yarn in many colorful ways. I love the intense, fated way he tells it, his timbre pitching and falling at key peaks and valleys.  I can almost see his face when he tells it: animated, passionate, rapt.

So why am I bothering when his version is so perfect? Simple: he asked me to.  Besides, I am circling back to my point.

---The Point---

K spends a wealth of words itemizing how I have made him stronger and happier. It's sweet, and I'm glad he feels that way, but I think, in reality, it's a mere fraction of what he does for me.  Among many things, he reflects for me the good, no the "wonderful and amazing." 

Hot-tempered is reflected as passionate. Manipulative and pushy as seductive and magnetic.  Possessive is sexy, not scary.  Insatiable is a compliment, not a complaint.  He quiets the inner voices of doubt and shines his bright light into the darkness I feel.  He sees the fragile, the soft, and the vulnerable as well, and embraces it with tender care.  Everything I feel for and with him is intensified, magnified, and amplified.  He makes me feel loved, wanted, appreciated, and normal.  He has woken me from a slumber and set me free. 

Through his lens, photographic or otherwise, he captures a better me and I can't help but love him all the more for it.  He is my bright mirror.  One look at myself through his eyes and I know that at his side, at his feet, sprawled across his chest; that's where I belong. 

Sweet Reflection
Hair: Moon - Storm

Skin: Glam Affair - Amberly - Jamaica Clean BL

Shape: Mine

Body, Hands, Feet, Nails: Maitreya Mesh Body - Lara with Medium Baby Pink Nails

Eyes: {LOBA} - Real Eyes Infinity - Blue

Make-up: Blacklace Beauty - Dreamy Shadow - Gold

Lashes: *BC Designs* Free Mesh Eyelashes (set 1 and 2 worn together)

Nose Piercing:  JCNY - Saryh - Hyper-Gems - Diamond Nose Piercing

Earrings: ~Raven Parnas~ Sterling Silver Large Hoop Earrings

Collar: [Tethered] - My Heart Is Caged - Eternity Diamond Collar

Dress, Wreath, Armbands: Luas - Tyene White Sheer

Anklets: Poison Jewels - Shades of Summer

Through the Looking Glass
Hair: Updo - Analog Dog - Olivia - Light Blondes (worn with shoulder piece)

Skin: Glam Affair - Amberly - Jamaica 04 BL

Shape: Mine

Body, Hands, Feet, Nails: Maitreya Mesh Body - Lara with Medium Baby Pink Nails

Eyes: {LOBA} - Real Eyes Infinity - Blue

Lashes: *BC Designs* Free Mesh Eyelashes (set 1 and 2 worn together)

Nose Piercing:  JCNY - Saryh - Hyper-Gems - Diamond Nose Piercing

Mouth Piercings: Punch - Level I

Earrings - ~Raven Parnas~ Sterling Silver Large Hoop Earrings

Leg Corset Piercings: Fucking Lovely - Leg Corset Piercing

Collar: [Tethered] - My Heart Is Caged - Eternity Diamond Collar

Cuffs: {Peachy} - Cutie Cuffs

Dress: Anoircre - Fable Dress - Blue

Shoes: KC - Alyss
 Hair: Exile - Like Lovers Do - Vanilla (without shoulder piece)

Skin: Glam Affair - Amberly - Jamaica Clean BL

Shape: Mine

Body, Hands, Feet, Nails: Maitreya Mesh Body - Lara with Medium Dark Red Nails

Eyes: {LOBA} - Real Eyes Infinity - Blue

Blindfold: Ama - Tease Me Set - Blindfold - Noir

Lashes: *BC Designs* Free Mesh Eyelashes (set 1 and 2 worn together)

Make-up: Blacklace Beauty - Visage Glitter - Smoke

Nose Piercing:  JCNY - Saryh - Hyper-Gems - Diamond Nose Piercing

Earrings: *Miam Miam Jewelry* Round Crystal Chandelier Earrings

Collar: [Tethered] - My Heart Is Caged - Eternity Diamond Collar

Lingerie and Stockings -  Maai - Freya - Red

Shoes: KC - Firenze

Thursday, July 9, 2015

Letting go...

Whether you have an addiction, or you are just going through tough times, there is something to be said for the power of the serenity prayer. You don't have to believe in a higher power, the prayer is as much a plea to yourself as it is to your chosen diety.

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

Simple words, but they carry such depth.

The end of my relationship with Sarah was...painful. Hard. Probably one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. Its one thing to end a relationship if its seriously not working. If you've fallen out of love. If someone has cheated. Etc etc. None of that was the case. No one cheated, no one fell out of love, we worked, such as we were. We just weren't the best thing for each other. I wasn't the best thing for her. I couldn't give her what she I left.

We tried to cling to friendship, to affection, to...anything, to not leave each others lives completely. We weren't very successful in that endeavor. We are now living completely separate lives, not speaking, not checking in on one another, not not not. No contact, no mourning. Just moving on, the best way we can. Letting go of the past and trying to find peace and happiness in the present. Letting go of the anger and frustration and pain that kept us railing at the fate we can't change.

For me, the biggest challenge was letting go of the guilt. Guilt that I left in such a state. Guilt that I tried to maintain some sort of relationship. Guilt that I didn't leave sooner. Guilt that I ever started seeing her in the first place. I had to stop beating myself up. Seeing that she had started to move on, making new friends, reconnecting with old, making a new life for herself that by all accounts looks to be a hell of a lot more enjoyable than the one we had together, helped a lot. Its good to see her trying. Yes, I checked up on her. So sue me. But I have let go of the responsibility that I shouldered. Her life is her own, and she is responsible for it now. I "pushed the baby bird out of the nest" and held my breath...until I saw her wings flap. Now..she's learning to fly, and I am happy for that, happy for her.

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Meanwhile, in my own life...

Reconnecting with old friends has been..a very blissful experience. Making a life with Ang...making plans, strengthening our bond, living day to day, exploring together, living together..every day is better than the last. After nearly 5 years of waiting, wanting, fantasizing, wishing..we're finally getting what we've apparently both craved this whole time - a chance to be together. We are taking full advantage!

With Ang, comes a new round of "letting go". We've talked about the past - mistakes, miscommunications, misuderstandings, hurt feelings, wounded pride, immature behavior, poor decisions, etc etc - on both our parts - that kept us apart. We've examined it all...we've forgiven each other, and are working actively toward forgiving ourselves, so the past doesn't color our present.

She has helped me to let go of the guilt I shouldered over Sarah as well. Reminding me that I can't save the world, or even support it - I'm not Atlas. Reminding me that someone else's happiness isn't solely my responsibility, and never should have been. Reminding me that I can't be everything to anyone, nor should I be, nor should they be. That only leads to inevitable disappointment.

I'm also letting go of constraints...of control...of social and moral boundaries and restrictions...and Enjoying. Experiencing. It is bliss being in a relationship where the only *rules* or *limits* that matter are the ones you set with your partner. Not worrying or stressing over "what would people think? What would people judge? Is this acceptable? Do the *normal* people do this? Should we try to be normal? Fuck ALL that, lol. Let it go. Let it all go and focus on the way it makes you feel.

Rule # 1 - Don't hold back