Autumn is my favorite season - always has been. The weather is cooler, so no more sweating to death. Its the weather of jeans and sweatshirts, tight sweaters and boots, and casual sexiness. The smell of burning leaves in the air, the colors of the leaves, the chill in the air, and the excitement of the holidays. Halloween - the costumes, the candy, the fear and thrill of it...the macabre, the dark & twisty - it all suits me very well. Then looking forward to Thanksgiving and family - when the macabre and dark thoughts come back to haunt us and get applied to our family members...
Yes, Autumn rocks. Its also the season of harvest, of wrapping up the year, putting an end to things that need to be ended, and tucking in for the winter with the things that make you feel happy and safe and cozy. That applies to people and relationships, as well.
I had...have?...had...a very close friend that I loved...very much. Still do, despite it all, but that's beside the point...who walked away to get much needed closure. As much as I hate to admit it, and as much as it hurt to be left like that, with everything that had been said and shared..I felt relief. I felt like the last thing that was holding me back from moving on was gone, and I could try to find happiness. Well...me being me...I can't ever let things go completely. I continue to berate myself for the mistakes I've made, and rather than taking that piece of my heart back, I leave it where it is, and try to exist - and coexist - without it. Not an easy feat, but in my current situation, probably for the best. Boundaries are easier to maintain when your whole heart isn't completely involved.
Apparently, I'm not the only one who can't let go completely, as some (admittedly minor) efforts were made to let me know someone is still thinking of me. Well...as much as it made that small part of my heart go pitter pat...the rest of me got PISSED! I just wanted to scream 'leave me the FUCK alone! You WALKED! STAY GONE!' So that pissed part of my brain reached into my dark & twisty soul to create:
Its a dark, macabre, highly personal 'fuck off'...but it was done out of hurt. So, while I'm posting it because it turned out to be a great picture....the feelings behind it are gone. The creation of the image, getting it out of my head, purged those negative feelings, and I was able to let it go. Truth be told, there's not a day that's gone by that she's off my mind completely either, so...yeah. And its not the relationship perse that I miss so much, though that was awesome. Its the friendship. To this day, when something touches me, in any way, that I want to share it with someone close to me who gets me and would understand it...she comes to mind. I miss our friendship. But... I get it. It is what it is, right?
In other news..anyone who knows me knows that I will take a lot of shit. I will accept whatever someone has to dish out to me. Especially if I know I hurt you - walk on me, treat me like dirt, blame me for all the ills in the world, wtfe - I can take it. Go after someone I care about? Trash talk someone, be rude to them for no reason, be mean at all...even if its not to their face, and even if its mostly a carefully aimed stab at me? Its on. Leave my friends and family out of it. This is between US, kinda thing. Nothing will make me cut ties and burn bridges faster. While every fiber in my being wants to fight back when someone does that shit....I know I can't. I know - for my own good and all those involved - that the kind of negativity that interaction inspires needs to be out of my life. I'll forgive it once in the heat of the moment. Keep bringing the same drama BS, and I'm done. I'm just...done. Mute, block, derender, you no longer exist in my world, and your negative BS goes with you. I don't have room for it in my life. I have better uses for my energy than catering to your playing the victim whims. DONE.
So...having let go of the negative feelings, and having cut the negative vibes out of my life completely..I am free to focus on the good, the positive, the peaceful.
Enter Justine. We met through madpeas, with her intelligent flirting and direct yet sensual ways of getting my attention. It took some doing for her to wrap her head around the reality of me, and for me to wrap my head around the reality of our situation, but we managed. And we are sharing our second lives now. Here is what I've stated in my profile about her:
Classy, intelligent, independent, strong, witty, and sexy as hell...she found a way to wrap her brain around accepting me into her SL, and we've happily spent most of our time in one anothers' company since.
She gives me hope...she makes me smile...and makes SL feel good again, in a way it hasn't in a long time. I'm very lucky to have her in my life.
The song below says it all...falling in love in a...well..an asylum, in this case...but its true nonetheless. Proud to call her my girl. And at the risk of scaring her away...I love you, J...deal with it :)
More pics to follow, as I've been immersed in planning them out, but here is one that embodies the peace I feel with her in my arms.
So...all that said and gotten out of me, I feel better. I feel good overall. I have a few close friends, with real estate on my profile, a few friends through the peas that I spend time with and trade snarky commentary with on a regular basis, and SL is a good place to be right now.
WOW what a summer...that's just...all I can say. I haven't had much to say, because as anyone who has read anything I've blogged probably caught onto, I blog when I need to get my feelings out and I have some handle on them. Life - especially secondlife, but life in general - has been so chaotic and volatile of late that there just was no handle to be had. The drama came to a head today, and I'm putting it all behind me, and moving forward with my head held high. But first, I need to say my final goodbyes to the past 3 months. This is my way of doing that.
Where to start....when last we spoke, I was dating Ang, and trying to help repair her RL. Well...that failed epically. Last I heard, they split up. Of course, I haven't heard a word from her in a couple weeks, so who knows? If I were concerned enough, I'd reach out to find out. I'm not. I'm still licking my wounds, and the bandages are fresh. I'm not going to get into it here, as its not salient. Suffice it to say, Ang loved the fantasy. When reality invaded, she wanted nothing to do with it.
During the breakup of our SL relationship, I made a couple friends. The aforementioned one who kicked my boxes around, Nevy, and some of her SL family. They took me in with open arms at a time I truly needed it. As family groups are wont to do, drama invaded - in a big way - and the wheat was sorted from the chaff. Out of that came Nevy & Marcel. Marcel has been from day one my *brother from another mother*. We think alike, and can really talk to one another. He's helped me through come confusing and painful times, and has always been the voice of reason. Hopefully Ive done the same for him. Nevy...Im not sure still how to categorize Nevy. There are times that I can sit with her and feel so calm and accepted and normal, that its like being with the sister I never had. There are other times that I want to throw her down on the nearest flat surface and...yeah. There are still other times I want to wring her neck because as much as I love her, she is the most MADDENING woman I've ever met, LOL. STUBBORN with a capital EVERYTHING. But I wouldn't have her any other way. Through her thick as fort knox shields, I've glimpsed the softer side, the vulnerable side, the side that is easily hurt and carries a hell of a lot of nasty scars. I love both sides of her. Whatever she is or isn't...she is and will always be family to me.
So in the midst of enjoying my newfound family...some truths came out. Namely, MY truth. Ready for a shocker???
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.....I'm a woman. Female in RL. Gender-fluid. Wanna know more? Check out this article, and watch the video - its powerful and amazing: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2015/06/17/ruby-rose-gender-fluid-video-interview_n_7603186.html
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EFjsSSDLl8w
Who knew? Ang. Logan. Not Molly. Not Sass. Not Nevy.
Yeah, save it. Trust me, there is nothing you can say to chastise me that I haven't said to myself a hundred fold. I broke things off with Sass because I fell in love with her and couldn't give her what she wanted most - RL. Because I lied about who I was from the start. I messed up my chance with Nevy because I lied from the start instead of telling her the truth. The kicker? BOTH of these women might've actually been able to accept me for ME, had I been brave enough to let myself be seen and not hide behind the *fantasy* facade of Kush and Kent. Irony - you are a cunt.
So, I told Nevy. Who...while she took the possibility of coupledom off the table because she can't trust me (and I'm sure other reasons as well, but let's let my ego ride with that one for awhile), is still a close friend and family, and still opened her arms to me in acceptance. I will always be grateful to her for that.
Then...I went to tell Sass. Her reaction? She cried...she screamed..she questioned and accused...the screamed some more..cried some more...then she curled up in my lap...hugged me..then hit me. So yeah..it was hard. But you know what? She surprised the hell out of me. She was open and accepting and very willing to still be friends, even on a different level than we were, friendship wise, because, well, girl power, lol.
Well, it was nice while it lasted. My friend Abbie, who sort of has filled the of daughter for me, got some very upsetting news in RL the other day, and it upset me. I went to talk to Sass, because she is one of my best friends. I was upset, so she pulled me onto a cushion to hug me. Well, apparently someone thought her SL BF should know she was hugging some guy. WTFE.
Anyways...not surprisingly....Sass decided being friends was me was too difficult. We are not friends in ANY world now. Said our goodbyes. Probably for the best. Still hurts like hell, but..such is life.
So...I had to do some soul searching and reflecting. What better place to do that than a beautiful fall themed sim - TRACE TOO?
As a result of all of this openness, and the (apparent but still semi-questionable) acceptance - I am out and open about being GF / BOI and a female in RL on my SL profile. Everyone who bothers to look knows who I am now. It might not be the easiest way to do things, and its confusing for a lot of people, and its cost me some good friends, but its made me a few as well, and earned me a lot more respect. Most importantly, I respect MYSELF for living authentically. I think that's what the pics embody most. Reflection, starting over, watching the past fade away....just BEING...and realizing - int he last one - that no matter how huge your problems seem....in the grand scheme of things, they are a speck in a wheat field. Get over yourself.
Pics to follow, just for fun. Bottom line...SL needs to be fun. It needs to be enjoyable, relaxing, and drama...if not free, at least LIGHT. I am working on just BEING. I have a few good friends to help me along that path. And one very special friend who is quickly becoming the light to my dark. J...NO CUDDLES for you! ;)
I haven't blogged in awhile - partly because I've been living my SL instead of writing about it, and partly because I was worried what might come flooding out of my fingers when I started typing. I intended this blog to be...well, let's just say, a lot different than it will be.
Something happens when people get comfortable and get into a peaceful routine in a relationship - something comes along to shake it all to hell. The photoshoot accompanying this blog is about that routine. The little day to day intimacies that we often forget to count among our blessings. Having coffee together in the morning, getting ready for your day, sitting next to each other on the couch typing away on your laptops - whether you are on SL or working or just surfing. Having someone next to you in bed to throw your arm over. Its about the intimacy, the closeness, that accompanies that kind of routine and comfortable cohabitation. Problem is - its not mine - not in RL, anyways.
Now there are downsides to that kind of comfortable routine. Someone has to wash the dirty socks and underwear. Someone has to scrub the toilet. Someone has to pay the bills. Someone has to deal with the grumpies and mood swings and headaches. The biggest downside, however, is that in the midst of the negative pieces, you forget how wonderful the positive ones are. When you're picking up your partners' dirty socks off the bathroom floor and grumbling about "WHY can't they put their dirty shit in the hamper - just ONCE!"...you're not thinking about the saturday afternoon when they came in the bathroom, stripped, and pushed you into the shower for a steamy encounter. When you're paying the bills and bitching about being short this month and the $2 sodas and coffees they insist on buying instead of taking stuff from home...you aren't thinking about the day they took off early from work because they were worried about you being sick and couldn't focus on anything BUT you. When you're griping about how inconsiderate and selfish they are being in this moment, you're not thinking about the way they brought you your favorite chocolate the other night because you were sad, or the way they do little considerate things out of the blue that surprise you with their sweetness. The negative tends to overshadow the positive, that's a sad reality. It takes effort to remind yourself of the positive things. Not everyone is willing to put in that much effort - they seem to enjoy welling in the negative for some ungodly reason. The negative focus is not always under their conscious control, but putting in the effort it takes to remember the positive is...food for thought.
So that was the impetus for the routine shoot. Doing it, however, reminded me about the boxes in my attic. You know the ones - we all have them. Those fears, uncomfortable emotions, insecurities, etc etc...that we pack away in boxes and shove into the dark and dusty corners of the attic in our minds. The ones we do our damnedest to ignore and forget about. Never works for long though, does it?
I met a new friend a few weeks ago who - whether purposefully or accidentally - rattled the fuck out of some of my boxes awhile back. It happened after a period of dealing with a massive onslaught of scary terrifying negativity from the most important person in my SL - and RL for that matter. On the cusp of a week or two of having to bury my emotions and counsel her through a very tough time, putting my personal feelings aside, that rattle hit me hard, and everything came pouring out, and about knocked me on my ass. It triggered a need to sit down with a now thankfully calm and centered Ang and go through the boxes, unpacking them, showing her what's inside, and carefully putting them away again. They aren't empty, but they are manageable. That exercise in self-inquisition left me a little weakened, however. My defenses were raw.
The next cycle of negativity hit before my defenses were healed. It started to feel like an assault, and I was becoming aggressively defensive about it, instead of removed. I realized that the more I try to help and the deeper I allow myself to dig into the source of the negativity and repair the damage that is frankly beyond my ability to fix...the more damage I am causing. By trying to help, I was making it worse. So I had to put boundaries in place. My boxes made me create boundaries. Boundaries that say when the train goes off the tracks of reason, its time to take a few steps back and take some time to get it back on track before we interact again. Today was the first time I had to really enforce that. It hurt. It was hard as hell to push away someone who is clinging to you for sanity and help and digging their claws in out of desperation and who will take the push - however gentle - as a flat out abandonment and rejection in her current off track state. But for the sake of my sanity, her sanity, and the health of our relationship - I had to. Time will tell how this strategy will work out. I have my doubts, but its the only way.
Which brings me to the rest of the boxes. Those ones that I didn't even notice were filled with stuff until I dug through the known commodities with Ang. Those are the boxes created by my own personal demons. The ones that like to act out. The ones that like to self destruct. The ones that like to escape and avoid. The ones that like to take a shredded shirt and - rather than mend it - not just tear it off and throw it away, but burn the fucker and watch the ashes fall.
Confronting those demons was...difficult, to say the least. Examining my own motivations. Looking into my own behaviors from a purpose-driven framework. I had to figure out whether the thoughts and feelings the demons were feasting on were real, or created in response to the drama. Even whether or not I sought out situations that could create a conflagration specifically for the purpose of self-destructing. It took some serious hours of introspection and a couple of uncomfortable, even painful, conversations to get to the bottom of it. What I found out boiled down to a few simple truths. 1) - I'm not a horrible person, though I do have a soft heart.
2) - I need to establish boundaries against negativity and drama, because I get sucked in way too easily.
3) - Everyone loves in their own way, and that's ok.
4) - I'll never have that routine intimacy in RL, not as things stand. I need to decide how important it is to me.
5) - SL should be fun and drama-light. Emotions = drama, and everyone has them, but..light is good. Uncomplicated is good. Fun is easily had if you can put the other stuff on the back burner for awhile. If you can't - don't log on.
6) - a situation might not be everything you want it to be, but that doesn't mean its not worth enjoying to the fullest.
So...boxes and boundaries. Messes and fixes. Drama and fun. Love and hate. Happiness and despair. Good and evil. They are polar opposites, but also partners. They don't have anything in common on the surface, but dig a little deeper, and you find out they are inextricably linked. One defines the other. The existence of each is dependent on the other. Without one, the other doesn't exist. Its not definable. Its meaningless. Together - they comprise the very fabric of life and love.
Pics following - the first is the attic, routines after Deets after the first, and then after all at the end.
ATTIC OUTFIT KUSH: BODY: #TMP Deluxe Body, hands 7 Deadly s{K}ins - Judas B5c t2 (LOBA) Real Eyes Infinity Mesh (brown) +H+ Half-Deer - Fly Away Neck Tattoo HAIR: **JOMO** etched hair 08 :EMO-tions:. *LESTAT* dark brown [TS] Khal beard - brown CLOTHING: Howl - Jacob Check Hood Shirts - grey -7mR- Greaser Black Jeans MadPea UNIA Sneakers ACCESSORIES: Unorthodox Eyebrow Piercing Double Left ::Hebenon Vial: MALE MOD: Against the Stream [Decay] :: envi :: Ailin Ear Piercing Celtic Myst Silver Cross Men's earring Celtic Myst - Tree of Life -Relic Ring [Tethered] Ring - Eternity Diamond ANG: BODY: Maitreya Mesh Body - Lara v3.4 Glam Affair - Amberly - Jamaica 01 BL {LOBA} - Real Eyes Infinity - Blue Lashes: *BC Designs* - Free Mesh Eyelashes Nails: -{ZOZ}- - Summer Echo Glitter (for Maitreya) - White HAIR: /Wasabi Pills/ - Abby - Vanilla with Red bands CLOTHING: *Coco* - Denim Overall + White Tee (Dark Blue) ->Venus<>Shoes<- - Sandy Sneakers for Maitreya - Red Body and Tongue ACCESSORIES: Nose Piercing: JCNY - Saryh - Hyper-Gems - Diamond Nose Piercing Lip Piercing: PUNCH - Level I Earrings: ~Raven Parnas~ - Sterling Silver Large Hoop Earrings Collar: [Tethered] - My Heart Is Caged - Eternity Diamond Collar ATTIC SET: POSE; Focus Poses - XMAS gift WL: Annan Adored Cozy Interior / Xanthe's Toasty BUILD: Schultz Bros. The Old Attic Skybox v1.1 HPMD* Sunlight(2014) - a HPMD* Bright Particle 1&2 (Left to Right): [DBy Mesh] (4Boxes, 2Prims) TBF Cardboard Box Mad Mesh Mesh Cardboard Box Cheeky Pea Box Cheeky Pea Bremen Screen Apple Fall Dress Form w/ Dress Remarkable Oblivion Dress Form T-Spot & [WaM] RFL Hope Planter NOMAD // Chandelier // .04 Industrial Gacha HIDEKI - Dress Form {vespertine- adelines mysterious closet - violet hill} [ zerkalo ] Eugenie's Armchair {Reverie} Aged Table and Steetlight Lantern {Reverie} Honey Pie Aged Coffee Table {Reverie} Honey Pie Aged Books and Candles Pink Orchid Flower Pot Scarlet Creative Single Amelie Sofa Mod Tran Apple Fall & An Lar Toile Chair (Blue) [ zerkalo ] Love Nest-Vintage-Love Sign =Zenith=Vintage Fancy Little End Table (tiffany) Apple Fall Roses Box (Pink) {Reverie} Honey Pie Windows and Wood Planks
KUSH - all photos BODY: #TMP Deluxe Body, hands 7 Deadly s{K}ins - Judas B5c t2 (LOBA) Real Eyes Infinity Mesh (brown) +H+ Half-Deer - Fly Away Neck Tattoo HAIR: Exile - Give Away Your Secrets - dark brown #3 [TS] Khal beard - brown CLOTHING: BLUR Mens *LE* Bacon & Eggs Lounge set (first morn): Dufaux TMP Tie up brief - military ACCESSORIES: Unorthodox Eyebrow Piercing Double Left ::Hebenon Vial: MALE MOD: Against the Stream [Decay] :: envi :: Ailin Ear Piercing Celtic Myst Silver Cross Men's earring Celtic Myst - Tree of Life -Relic Ring [Tethered] Ring - Eternity Diamond ANG: BODY (for all photos): Maitreya Mesh Body - Lara v3.4 Glam Affair - Amberly - Jamaica 01 BL {LOBA} - Real Eyes Infinity - Blue Lashes: *BC Designs* - Free Mesh Eyelashes Nails: -{ZOZ}- - Summer 2015 Echo Glitter (for Maitreya) - Light Pink Hickey: aberrant - Hickey HAIR: Marika - Hush (@Work) Blueberry - Hila (Ever Heard, First Light, Greeting) Truth Hair - Rocky (I want, Mmm, Morning Routine, Klutz) Analog Dog - Olivia (Sunset Snuggle) CLOTHING: (Greeting, @Work) Tank and Sports Bra: Vinyl - Jessie PAK 2 - Pink with White Bra Shorts: Just Because - Cora Shorts - White (I want, Mmm, Morning Routine, Klutz) Sports Bra: Addams - Top Gym 2.0 - Baby blue Shorts: Addams - Shorts Gym 2.0 - Gray (First Morning) Panties: aberrant - Magical Panties ACCESSORIES (all photos): Nose Piercing: JCNY - Saryh - Hyper-Gems - Diamond Nose Piercing Lip Piercing: PUNCH - Level I Earrings: ~Raven Parnas~ - Sterling Silver Large Hoop Earrings Collar: [Tethered] - My Heart Is Caged - Eternity Diamond Collar SET STYLE CARDS: At work or at play POSE: *CS* To Paris BUILD: Greymoon Designs - The Sunset Cove (modified) Left to right: Tentacio - my life with a cat - play? Tentacio - my life with a cat - I'm busy Cheeky Pea homemade picture frames light Nerenzo Pillow pile [we're closed] log candles light Cheeky Pea Voronoi Table CP Rue Abel Loveseat CP Bremen Screen CP Spike Rug CP Tea Ever heard of knocking POSE: *CS* Love & Other Drugs BUILD: Greymoon Designs - The Sunset Cove (modified) Left to right: [ zerkalo ] Tenderness Bedroom Set Broker Art House Your Beautiful1 wall decal Tentacio - my life with a cat - I haven't gone to the bathroom Dutchie vintage washstand First morning light POSE: *CS* Nice Dreams BUILD:Greymoon Designs - The Sunset Cove (modified) Left to right: [ zerkalo ] Tenderness Bedroom Set Tentacio - my life with a cat - I haven't gone to the bathroom Greeting the morning together POSE: *CS* Between cats BUILD: Greymoon Designs - The Sunset Cove (modified) Left to right: :CP: Roux Coffee Station - Winter :CP: Roux Coffee Shelf - Winter X-CLUSIVES ANIMATIONS GET YOUR FREAK ON FRIDGE - WHITE - ELITE PBM Mesh Wall Decor [Coffeeology] :CP: Yukon Kitchen (Adult) !! Follow US !! Dream board Tentacio - my life with a cat - help me! Trompe Loeil - Antique Pot Rack [Brixley] Rustic Frame I want in the picture too POSE: *CS* Good Morning* BUILD: Greymoon Designs - The Sunset Cove (modified) Left to right: Xplicit Vanity Table (c) floorplan. sparkle wall frame floorplan. always print Tiar BAROQUE CHAIR No.2 - Silver Black [ zerkalo ] Tenderness Bedroom Set Mmm..morning my love POSE: *CS* In The Mirror BUILD:Greymoon Designs - The Sunset Cove (modified) Left to right: Dutchie vintage washstand Xplicit Vanity Table (c) floorplan. sparkle wall frame [ zerkalo ] Tenderness Bedroom Set Tentacio - my life with a cat - I haven't gone to the bathroom HSF "Clean Body, Dirty Mind" Towel Rack Prim Economy copper bathtub morning routine interrupted POSE: *CS* Routine BUILD: Greymoon Designs - The Sunset Cove (modified) Left to right: Dutchie vintage washstands Tentacio - my life with a cat - I haven't gone to the bathroom sunset snuggle POSE: Quixotica Ku'uipo BUILD:Greymoon Designs - The Sunset Cove (modified) you're a klutz POSE: *CS* A Little Hurt BUILD:Greymoon Designs - The Sunset Cove (modified) Left to right: [ zerkalo ] Tenderness Bedroom Set Broker Art House Your Beautiful1 wall decal Dutchie vintage washstands :CP: Repurposed Collage Wall [Fetch] Lazy Pillow :: YaYo :: - Wall Writings - Always Kiss Me
I'm going to start this one out with song lyrics, because it captures my mood and my frame of mind of late. Yes, Ang, despite all the crazy, this IS my state of mind...explanation to follow:
This song, perhaps more than any other, captures where my mind is and has been for several weeks.
Truth time.
Five years ago, I was in a relationship that was...wonderful. In part. I'm going to try to make a long story short here - pray for me, LOL. Let me set the stage. In RL at this time, I was dealing with my terminal father, the recent ugly end of my marriage, and my D/s and bff relationship with my then and still roommate going through some major changes and essentially morphing into something...insecure and unstable. In short, RL was...a mess. So I got involved more heavily into SL.
In SL, I was a few months into having been abandoned by my first significant relationship there. I was ready to move on and try again. I applied for a *match* service at HoV, and very quickly found something that caught my interest. A Dom/Domme couple, rl and sl, that wanted a 3rd, a sub/switch to share. I messaged them and introduced myself, and we arranged to meet that evening. When I first laid eyes on the woman, I was lost. Just...gone. The guy...was a good person, a sweetheart, funny, sexy, smart, fun, just...not her. We wound up in a complicated relationship with my RL involved to some degree as well. We all got along beautifully, and had talked about meeting, as we were only a few hours apart.
Mind you, I was head over heels for this woman - who you, lovely reader, know as Angela...from day one, and it got nothing but stronger as the relationship progressed. Egos happened..miscommunications happened, bullshit moves from butthurt people (myself included) happened, and her RL decided that the relationship as it was wasn't working for him, so they decided to focus on each other. I was still welcome in the family, however, just not in the same role.
About this time, my first SL *partner* reappeared, and re-entered my life. I was..flabberghasted, to say the least. I introduced my family and them, and it was...tense. Long story short, things started to get dicey for Angela, and I put her feelings and her RL relationship ahead of my own, and I chose to leave rather than cause more pain. I went back to my old partner, who - surprise - disappeared again.
We tried, Ang and I, to stay close during the next few months, but eventually she - and her RL - left SL I was lost - just...completely lost.
Over the next few years, Ang would return periodically, and whatever mistaken relationship I was involved with at the time would take a backseat, as I knew they were all only an attempt to find someone half as wonderful and perfect as she was. She stole my focus, my attention, my heart and my soul, everytime she re-entered my line of sight. I say stole, but they were always hers, and she knows this. Our own bruised egos kept us from admitting how we felt, and while we both hoped the other still wanted to be together on each return, neither admitted it, for fear our hopes would be squashed. As a result, it never happened. But she never left my heart. After every failed relationship, my RL, who remains my best friend to this day, though we are just roommates for the past few years - would ask "What happened this time? Oh right...she wasn't Ang...".
This last time...RL was again falling apart. I was miserable, for a series of horrid decisions on my part, and in an attempt to regain some measure of happy, I'd fallen into a relationship with a wonderful woman who needed me almost as much as I needed her - maybe moreso, looking back on it, idk - hard to judge. Anyways...we had a beautiful relationship, hopeful, extremely satisfying, for what it was, for a few months. Until it got too close to home, and the idea of taking it beyond SL became less of an idea and more of a demand. It was at that point that I realized I couldn't do it. I didn't know why..I loved her, very much so, but...I couldn't. I just...couldn't. So..rather than tell her that and break her heart, I came up with a plausible reason why I couldn't be with her in RL, knowing it would cause our relationship to fall apart because - as I'd known from the start but hoped wasn't the case - I wasn't what she was looking for. I couldn't be. I deeply regret that I hurt her, that I was dishonest with her. But it happened, and I won't deny it. My feelings were no less real for my dishonest way of ending things. You can read back through my blogs if you'd like to confirm the timeline, but suffice it to say, that was the beginning of the end. Taking that RL possibility off the table was the death knell of our relationship.
A month or so later...lo and behold..the prodigal kitten returned to SL. As was my usual mode of behavior, I immediately was drawn to her - my focus, my attention...I wanted her around all the time. I knew she didn't want to be *with* me, but I still wanted her around. So I tried to include her, tried to foster a friendship between her and my gf. They actually seemed to get along well. Until things really started hitting the fan.
When I was informed that I wasn't *enough*...not mean enough, not rough enough, not Dom enough, not sexy enough, not not not....for my gf....I was...crushed doesn't even cover it. Devastated. As much as I wanted to be the Daddy Dom she needed and wanted, and tried to be, our relationship had gone in a different direction, at her insistence, and with my permission. Now, she wanted what we almost had in the beginning -- just not from me.
This hearkened back to me hearing that I wasn't "the right kind" of sub/playmate from Ang's RL and the old wounds were reopened - in a big way. I needed distance. I demanded a night off to think, left my gf to her own devices and went out to think. Ang was, of course, in my IMs and came along to keep me company. I opened up to her, told her what happened, what I was feeling, and brought up the old wounds. Brought up the fact - after several martinis - that those wounds had kept me from ever admitting my feelings for her when she came back. Whoops. Not whoops - it was a good thing to admit, and it was time.
Well...as it turned out, she had felt the same way - still did - and wanted to give US a chance - fucking FINALLY. So...I was all in. I asked for time and patience to put a clean compassionate end to things with my gf...which, as it turns out, would never have been possible. But I tried.
So...finally...after some drama and BS...I was with Ang. Again. In a different form, in a different role, but still with her, relearning one another. It was - and remains - a beautiful wonderful experience, even the dark twisty parts. Sometimes especially the dark & twisty parts.
So the idea of meeting in person comes up again. Cotton candy land we call it. Only one thing stands in the way, beyond the practicalities - I have to be friends with her RL. Her RL - who was the main source of the problems and the end of our relationship 5 years ago. Her RL, who got butthurt that I was closer to her than to him. Her RL, who was the main reason she didn't feel confidence enough to think I would want her anytime over the previous 5 years, that had kept her from trying. I had to be friends with him. Well, shit.
Understandably, I was reluctant, unsure, insecure. Especially when he was still making boneheaded asshole mistakes - with her AND with me. But you know what, I DO like him. I always have. He is still a cool guy, a little more grown up, still smart and funny as hell, still very sexy, there is still a spark...there just isn't a fucking spontaneous combustion like there was and always has been with Ang. Its like the difference between a campfire and burning man. The campfire can keep you warm, roast your wiener, toast your marshmallow, all that happy horseshit...but its not the awe inspiring, hypnotic spellbinding spiritual life-altering spectacle of burning man. Sorry, but..its not.
So its been several weeks...and some wall of resistance in my finally broke last night, in response to Ang's last blog. I IMd him, and did this morning too, and we hung out a bit this afternoon and chatted. I think it was good progress along the road to the kind of friendship that would make cotton candy land a distinct possibility.
Except...we spent the rest of the day dealing with perceived expectations, perceived accusations, and massive insecurities, and boneheaded behavior that perpetuated it all. While I can see both sides, it is ridiculously difficult for me to not choose one. Sometimes I want to shake them both like a British nanny and scream WAKE UP!! You LOVE each other!! Realize that and stop being an asshole about it! I am fairly confident that they will get through this..I know they've gotten through a lot worse...I'm just...scared, I guess.
At first, I was scared that I was going to be tossed aside like the trash again, which is what I felt 5 years ago. I (mostly) got past that. I am, however, afraid that their insecurity issues will ruin the possibility of cotton candy land.
That shouldn't be such a huge deal..except...it is. I've spent the last 5 years regretting my own actions and my own decisions and the fact that I lost her - that I lost THEM, if I'm being completely honest. I can admit that now - I'm past the anger and hurt enough to admit - I want them BOTH in my life. I want that sense of family back. I've never felt anything like it before or since, and in whatever form, I want it back. I want a chance. I really do feel - with every fiber of my being - that its possible. More than possible - probable. If everyone can take a breath before acting on somewhat self-centered impulse and realizing what effect their next action might have on the person they are most committed to. If everyone would place that person first in their list of priorities, and give them the attention and consideration that they deserve.
And because this is my blog - mine and Ang's, but this one entry is MINE...I'm being selfish and giving voice to why I need this to work.
My life the past 5 years has been one shitty decision after another. One dead end situation after another. One hopeless endless miserable existence, only briefly colored by the hope for something real, that was always squashed. The hope for something fulfilling, that was never quite right. Again, because "they aren't Ang"...well, and they aren't Ang & M...they aren't the family I had and lost.
Reconnecting with Ang...the thought of cotton candy land and what might come after...the hope for changes and something more meaningful..for a new direction for my life..the very real possibility of starting over on my own with friends - family - nearby and always in my life - its everything to me. Its given me HOPE. Hope to go on. Hope to wake up everyday. Hope to take necessary steps that I've been putting off and putting on the back burner.
Lately, that hope has been getting snuffed out by "expectations, accusations,and insecurities". Damnit, I need that hope. So quit it, LOL. Quit sniping...quit suffering in silence until shit blows up and bubbles over. The both of you. Open up. Talk to me. Let me help, even if its just as a sounding board. You both love one another. Neither of you is seeking to replace the other in any way. You both think the other hangs the sun and the moon in your own eyes, though you won't admit it out loud to each other. And y'all call ME stubborn....
The sooner you both accept these truths, the sooner things can get on toward happy land. So - that is my expectation. Open up and talk. To me, to each other, all of the above. I care about you both - individually and as a couple - so damn much. It hurts to see you both in pain when there is NO damn reason for it, other than neither of you believing that you are worth love and devotion. I'm here to tell you - you are.
I've been chasing my heaven - the feeling of being part of *our family* for 5 years. I thought it was lost forever...but here it is..just out of reach...mocking me..beckoning me..help me reach it.
The phrase goes “Happy Wife; Happy Life.” Although I am married in neither of my lives, I am starting to see the validity in that statement. Lately, I have not been a very happy “wife” to either of my guys. It all started Monday, with some arguments, some work foibles, and with some near tragedy, all which cost me emotionally and spun me to a dark place. At the risk of getting too personal, we’ll just leave it at that. I haven’t seemed to be able to shake the darkness. Just when I think it’s gone, it crawls right back up and rears its head.
I think some of my darkness is because I don’t feel like my guys get along. Without rehashing the past in too great detail, early into our friendship, M (my RL fiance), K, K’s bestie and I had a parting of the ways. There were some insecurities, immaturities and situational changes that made it tough for everyone to be in the same room as each other. M and K’s relationship suffered the most: strong, stubborn personalities too prideful to admit that the other had wounded them deeply. To this day, while they can be in the same room as each other, it still feels tense.
When K and I finally realized the depth of our feelings for each other and fell into our relationship head first, it wasn’t without concern as to what that meant for M and K’s relationship. K was ever respectful and M was ever trusting, so it works…in theory. I think I am finding it doesn’t work in practice.
Another joy of K and I finally realizing the depth of our feelings for each out is that again we are entertaining the idea of meeting. We’re only 4 hours apart, which is the perfect distance for meeting in the middle for dinner. We hadn’t dared dream it since the 4 of us were first friends, eons ago. Now it’s at the forefront of my… no our… minds. We are each genuinely excited to get around a table together and break bread, seeing where that might lead. Even M and K are looking forward to meeting each other… until they get in the same SL room to try to establish some sort of pre-dialog. Then the hurt comes back, and the insecurity, and the reticence to ignite the whole thing again, and neither knows quite how to approach the other.
Insert me, smack dab in the middle. And while, that’s not entirely an unwelcome place to be, it is at the moment because I feel like I’m trying to push to magnets of same polarity together. Truth is that, though they will never see it or admit it, they are so similar. Passionate, kind, blustery and macho on the outside, gooey on the inside, sarcastic, funny, dreamers, artistic, shy and introverted, except in SL where they put up good fronts of being cocky flirts to anything in skirts. And both will bristle at the comparison and the characterization, though deep down, neither can dispute it. If they would just forgive, forget, and be themselves, I know they will get along great. But… yah, there are self-preserving walls up that are not moving, and predictably, there's no convincing the other that the other other wants to get to know the other.
Previously, I’ve taken on the role of the “creamy center” trying to sandwich these two tough cookies together. But like oreos, the cookies never quite touch. I feel frustrated, because I KNOW how great things could be, tired of trying to budge two immovable objects, and I’m starting to feel like the only one fighting to make things work, but am just failing by trying too hard make things work. I push too hard, or say the wrong thing, and ultimately just enable them not interacting with each other by being the conduit. I feel like I’ve aggravated an already tense situation. I feel like I’ve failed and I hate failing. So I am tendering my resignation as peace-maker and leaving these two fellas to their own devices. If it’s meant to be, it will happen. And I know it’s meant to be otherwise it wouldn’t feel so great and hopeful to dream about. I just don't know how to summon the patience to sit back and let it happen without nudging (okay shoving) one side towards the other.
I feel like the only way to end it is “Ball’s in your court, boys. You figure it out from here.”
A
little bit deeper 'Berry challenge blog this time. I guess I'm
feeling the need to write, but not about anything specific. I'm sure
my emotions will catch up with my brain at some point and everything
will pour out like word vomit onto the virtual pages, but for now..I
blog simple stuff. Everything in SL is wonderful, btw... :) Its all
good emotions!
When and how did you
discover Second Life? – About 6 years ago, a friend of
mine told me about this awesome “game” he was playing, lol. I
signed up, made an avi, and never got off noob island. 6 months
later, my RL roomate told me they were on SL, and helped me make
another avi and get a real start. The rest, as they say, is history!
Did you know about virtual
worlds before or was this your first experience with them?
– I had heard of SL in the news – various stories about ugly
divorces and lawsuits over “virtual currency” but I had no
clue...I'd been in various chat clients for years, but never
anything like SL.
Has Second Life met your
expectations? – In most ways, far exceeded them. I never
knew or even imagined that something like SL existed, or that you
could do and experience the kind of things that you can here. Its
really pretty amazing.
If you could teleport back
to the first ten minutes of your avatar’s slife, what would you
tell yourself? – You're going to meet an amazing blonde
kitten that you will fall head over heels for..when it comes to a
choice – DO NOT WALK AWAY!!! Stay and fight!
How long did it take you
to master avatar flying and driving vehicles inworld? –
Hmmm....flying I still have issues with...driving vehicles I'm
pretty damn good at, lag not withstanding. It took practice though!
Do you have a mystery alt?
– I do not. My closest friends know all of my alts, and the
purposes of each.
Is your SL avatar a
reflection of you, or someone you wished you could be? –
A little bit of both. My personality definitely comes through, with
all the associated positives and negatives of ME. Physically –
obviously – I'm not a male model, LOL.We do share some qualities though..a love of vodka being one...
Is there an individual you
met in SL that inspired you in your RL? How? – I've been
inspired by a LOT of people I've met in SL – some in positive ways
(I want to do that, I can do that..I should do that...I should get
off my ass and do SOMETHING...I could really make this work with
her...)..some in negative (OMG do NOT turn into them....I can NOT be
around this person...I have to get away from this negativity...). SL
connections definitely have an effect on my RL.
Do you feel it is easier
to create stronger bonds/relationships with people you meet inworld
as opposed to the real world? – I do. I have a hard time
making friends in RL – I'm not a very sociable person. In fact,
you might say I'm just a horrible human being because I wind up
alienating myself from all but a small tight knit group of friends
with my intolerance for ignorance and stupidity. I have the same
problems in SL, but I tend to meet more people who are like me –
and hold on to them! My friends' list right now has about 20 avis on
it, that reflect about 8 actual individuals, almost all of whom I
have some kind of contact and connection outside of SL with. Meaning
I keep in touch with them by phone, by skype, by FB, etc etc. Or at
least, have the option to. I hold on to people who are worth holding
onto. The rest fall by the wayside when they show their asses.
Did you ever imagine or
believe people could fall in love with someone they never met before
Second Life? – Having been in chat clients )AOL,
mIRC,yahoo, etc) for years prior to SL, I knew it was possible to
develop loving feelings for someone you hadn't met in person.
However, I never knew just how DEEP those feelings could go. I
certainly never imagined that D/s connections could be fostered and
thrive in a virtual environment before I got here.
How has your perspective
of dating changed (or not) since you started playing second life?
– I've learned that its critically important to discuss
expectations for potential RL involvement prior to getting serious
with someone in SL – and to be painfully honest about them. I've
learned that as much as some people say RL=RL, SL=SL, never the
twain shall meet...its BS, lol. Emotions transcend, and your heart
doesn't give a flying fuck what boundaries you try to put up. I've
also come to realize that Sl relationships, even the ones that say
from the outset “SL ONLY”, thrive on the fantasy of RL. The
occasional comment in an intimate moment of “I wish you were
here...” or “If I was there, I could...” You can't tell me its
never happened to you. It happens to everyone – its human nature.
And when those bubbles are burst, it tends to do irreparable harm to
the relationship. People speak of a “*WALL*” in SL...a limit of
growth in a relationship, a turning point, where things have to move
beyond SL or expand out of it in some way shape or form, become more
real or at least break outside of the confines of the viewing
platform – in order to continue, to grow. I firmly believe that.
Not saying every SL relationship has to go RL to continue beyond a
certain point, but it does need to deepen and move beyond your
standard SL relationship of “let's go out dancing tonight” or
“let's stay home and fuck”. Whether that's “Hey, want to call
and BS for 3 hours about nothing while we sit on our couches and log
off the damn computer?” or “Hey, how about we watch a movie
together on netflix?” or “Hey, how about we plan to meet for
dinner next month?”...all depends on the relationship.
How has your perspective
of employment changed (or not) since you started playing second
life? – . I want a work from home job so I can spend more
time on SL, LOL. As far as SL employment – I prefer not to work
in SL since I work in RL. I'll fill my linden coffers as
needed from my RL coffers.
Name three things in both
your lives that overlap each other significantly. – My
relationship with Angela...my RL Roomate's relationship in SL (as
I'm generally the relationship therapist)...my friendship and
establishing comfort level with Ang's RL fiance. So, I guess, my
connections overlap significantly.
If you could live your
life more immersively in a virtual world, would you? (Kind of like
the Matrix) – I think yes...that would be pretty freaking
awesome, actually. As technology hasn't expanded to that degree
yet...I'll just have to settle for making cotton candy dreams come
true...
How do you think behavior
changes for people if they’re inworld vs in real world? Why do you
think that is? – I think many people are freer to be
their ideal selves here...but many more are free to be
assholes without borders – consequence free – because of the
anonymity. It helps to discern the decent human beings from the
wastes of oxygen. Character traits – both positive and negative –
are usually exaggerated in SL. If you are a nice person in RL, you
will be a wonderful person in SL. If you are an asshole in RL, you
will be a MEGA asshole in SL.
How has second life
consumerism changed your perception of spending habits, the value of
money, the need to be “bleeding edge” with fashion? –
I never really gave it much thought. I mean, I've always had a
shopping problem in SL, LOL...but I tend to stick to my budgets and
bargain shop. I have my own look that I stick to in SL. I go
to every fair and event to see all the new stuff that comes out, but
if its not my style, I'm not going to buy it, no matter how
bleeding edge it is. I will, however, point and laugh at
anyone who does if so deserved :D
Do you think virtual
worlds like SL drive and redefine human interaction or do they
narrow and limit it? – I think a bit of both. While SL
teaches you to be more cognizant of the value and tone of your
words, it also gives you free reign to abuse them – within the
limits of your own conscience. This again is another thing that
separates the wheat from the chaff...creative, intelligent people
will take a platform like SL and run with it, use the tools it
provides and the power of their own imagination to enrich their
experience and that of others. A boring, ignorant person will
essentially become a “pose ball humper”.
If technology progressed
tomorrow to allow you to send emotions to people the way you’d
send text or voice messages, would it enrich your SL experience or
infringe on it? – I think if you communicate well and
take the time to get to know people...emotions are rather easily
communicated even without that type of technology. Words and word
choice are incredibly expressive and powerful. When you add in
decent emoting of body language or whatnot...who needs electronic
communication to know that someone who is “sitting on the beach,
holding my knees to my chest, rocking back and forth, and quietly
letting the occasional sniffle escape” is sad and hurting and in
need of a hug?
Name three skills you
attribute to having learned or honed in second life alone.
– Emoting...photo editing...virtual clothing design.
If your grand kids googled your Second Life Avatar’s
name, would they be intrigued, disgusted, proud or something else?
– HAHAHA!!! Ummm....probably a little confused...and
embarrassed...which would tickle me to no end.
Its been an...emotionally intense...few weeks, and I thought it was a good time to do a light blog, something fun. What better way to do fun that with a Strawberry Singh blogging challenge? You can find them here.
So, without further ado: (some pictures included throughout to emphasize)
Have you ever owned a sim
in Second Life? – I did own one full sim years ago -
it was a PITA! I've had a few homesteads, however, and love them!
Landscaping and sim design is a passion of mine in SL, so I love
having that kind of freedom and EM rights. Here is an example of one
of the homesteads I did that I was most proud of, and a link to the
FLICKR
ALBUM with others:
Have you ever created
content in Second Life? – I have - from simple
furniture to buildings to clothing - none of it very good, mind you,
LOL.
Have you ever driven a
vehicle in Second Life? – Loads of times. I rather
enjoy driving a motorcyle, racing along various tracks and trails –
its relaxing to me. Riding horses is an especially fun way to
explore park-type sims as well!
Have you ever gone sky
diving in Second Life? – I have not, but adding that
to my list!
Have you ever played a
sport in Second Life? – I don't do sports in RL, I
don't do them in SL either.
Have you ever gone
clubbing in Second Life? – Ummm..its SL....if you
don't go clubbing, why come on??
Have you ever
fangirled/fanboyed someone in Second Life? – Does
stalking Skip Staheli's FLICKR feed count??
Have you ever taken a
picture of your avatar in water in Second Life? –
I've assisted with a couple...
Have you ever taken a
picture of a sunset in Second Life? – Who hasn't? :)
Have you ever taken a nude
picture of your avatar in Second Life? – I'll echo
Strawberry here – do you even know me at all?! LOL!!
Have you ever dated in
Second Life? – Yeah...I've dated, I've been
engaged, I was even partnered a long long time ago, and I'm very
much involved with a woman that I've been in love with for 5 years
now. Relationships..connections..are a HUGE part of why I'm in SL to
begin with.
Have you ever had or
attended a wedding in Second Life? – Had one,
attended many, photographed a few. They are usually disasters
fraught with technological nightmares – but still beautiful.
Have you ever drank,
smoked or taken drugs in Second Life? – Yes, yes, and if
smoking a hookah counts, then yes.
Have you ever engaged in
sexual activity in Second Life? – ….I'll just
leave it at YES.
Have you ever been to Bukkake Bliss in Second Life?
– Not that I can recall, but I've wandered quite a bit in my
6+ years here...
I am a firm believer in the power of cathartic writing - just letting the words, the thoughts, the emotions, pour out of you and onto the paper (or screen, as it were). I strongly advocate journaling/blogging to anyone I am close to - and obviously, I engage in it myself. With Ang, we use blogging as way to...check in with one another. Sometimes in the midst of a discussion where both parties have a tendency to intellectualize when they feel at all defensive, things go from happy and productive to educational and removed, and emotions get left by the wayside. That said, writing is a good way to say those things that aren't always so easy to say face to face or in real time. As the intimacy level of the immediate exchange rises, so it gets more difficult to say things that you worry might cause discomfort or distress to your partner. Its easier to journal than to chat, easier to chat than to voice, easier to voice than to skype, and easier to skype than to be face to face - although there, you can *reach out and touch someone*, and that tends to cure most ill feelings...
There has been a lot of journaling going on over the past month or so. As Ang and I re-learn one another and reconnect on multiple levels, there are a lot of issues that arise and are hashed out, on a daily basis. There is much more often joy and pleasure and absolute bliss at simply being in one anothers' presence.
While we are journaling frequently, others are as well. I could write a dissertation on that topic, but I won't. I will simply quote Shakespeare (or Harry Potter, depending on your level of culture) by saying "Truth will out..."
Instead, I use my blog to write about things that matter to me. Things that are important to me. Things that affect me and effect my present and future happiness. As I state on my profile, credit for my happy goes to Angela - my "co-conspirator to breaking all manner of blue laws". My Angela - My kitten, My Princess, my Queen, My Love, My Soulmate, my past, my present, and my future.
We have tested, pushed, and surmounted many limits - to amazing effect - in the past few weeks. We've learned that two switchy people with control issues can not only work together and cooperate, but do so seamlessly and beautifully. We've learned that tables turn at a moments' notice, and we ride the waves together and come out in one another's arms. We've learned that past scars can still ache and even bleed from time to time, but its nothing that communication and reassurances won't repair. We've learned that even when we might think we are on opposite ends of the spectrum, we are a lot closer than either of us knew - and a lot more similar. We've learned that boundaries only exist to protect ourselves from untrustworthy others..but when two people have pure and absolute trust in one another, boundaries have no place, and no further use.
Perhaps most importantly, we've learned that when you truly love and care about another person, and they love and care about you, you fight for one another. You don't give up, you don't walk away. You KNOW within your heart of hearts that what is best for the both of you is to be together, and you fight like hell everyday to make it work.You build one another up, enhance each other, celebrate victories together and mourn defeats, working together to *get it next time*. Never should a phrase amounting to "You're not good enough...you're not what I want...you're not enough for me..." come out of your lips. You love. You live. You protect. And in so doing, you create your own happiness.
So, in closing, I will just add...Life is wonderful, and I have never been happier or more hopeful for the future.
