The phrase goes “Happy Wife; Happy Life.” Although I am married in neither of my lives, I am starting to see the validity in that statement. Lately, I have not been a very happy “wife” to either of my guys. It all started Monday, with some arguments, some work foibles, and with some near tragedy, all which cost me emotionally and spun me to a dark place. At the risk of getting too personal, we’ll just leave it at that. I haven’t seemed to be able to shake the darkness. Just when I think it’s gone, it crawls right back up and rears its head.
I think some of my darkness is because I don’t feel like my guys get along. Without rehashing the past in too great detail, early into our friendship, M (my RL fiance), K, K’s bestie and I had a parting of the ways. There were some insecurities, immaturities and situational changes that made it tough for everyone to be in the same room as each other. M and K’s relationship suffered the most: strong, stubborn personalities too prideful to admit that the other had wounded them deeply. To this day, while they can be in the same room as each other, it still feels tense.
When K and I finally realized the depth of our feelings for each other and fell into our relationship head first, it wasn’t without concern as to what that meant for M and K’s relationship. K was ever respectful and M was ever trusting, so it works…in theory. I think I am finding it doesn’t work in practice.
Another joy of K and I finally realizing the depth of our feelings for each out is that again we are entertaining the idea of meeting. We’re only 4 hours apart, which is the perfect distance for meeting in the middle for dinner. We hadn’t dared dream it since the 4 of us were first friends, eons ago. Now it’s at the forefront of
my… no our… minds. We are each genuinely excited to get around a table together and break bread, seeing where that might lead. Even M and K are looking forward to meeting each other… until they get in the same SL room to try to establish some sort of pre-dialog. Then the hurt comes back, and the insecurity, and the reticence to ignite the whole thing again, and neither knows quite how to approach the other.
Insert me, smack dab in the middle. And while, that’s not entirely an unwelcome place to be, it is at the moment because I feel like I’m trying to push to magnets of same polarity together. Truth is that, though they will never see it or admit it, they are so similar. Passionate, kind, blustery and macho on the outside, gooey on the inside, sarcastic, funny, dreamers, artistic, shy and introverted, except in SL where they put up good fronts of being cocky flirts to anything in skirts. And both will bristle at the comparison and the characterization, though deep down, neither can dispute it. If they would just forgive, forget, and be themselves, I know they will get along great. But… yah, there are self-preserving walls up that are not moving, and predictably, there's no convincing the other that the other other wants to get to know the other.
Previously, I’ve taken on the role of the “creamy center” trying to sandwich these two tough cookies together. But like oreos, the cookies never quite touch. I feel frustrated, because I KNOW how great things could be, tired of trying to budge two immovable objects, and I’m starting to feel like the only one fighting to make things work, but am just failing by trying too hard make things work. I push too hard, or say the wrong thing, and ultimately just enable them not interacting with each other by being the conduit. I feel like I’ve aggravated an already tense situation. I feel like I’ve failed and I hate failing. So I am tendering my resignation as peace-maker and leaving these two fellas to their own devices. If it’s meant to be, it will happen. And I know it’s meant to be otherwise it wouldn’t feel so great and hopeful to dream about. I just don't know how to summon the patience to sit back and let it happen without nudging (okay shoving) one side towards the other.
I feel like the only way to end it is “Ball’s in your court, boys. You figure it out from here.”