Autumn Reflections...

WOW what a summer...that's just...all I can say. I haven't had much to say, because as anyone who has read anything I've blogged probably caught onto, I blog when I need to get my feelings out and  I have some handle on them. Life - especially secondlife, but life in general - has been so chaotic and volatile of late that there just was no handle to be had. The drama came to a head today, and I'm putting it all behind me, and moving forward with my head held high. But first, I need to say my final goodbyes to the past 3 months. This is my way of doing that.

Where to start....when last we spoke, I was dating Ang, and trying to help repair her RL. Well...that failed epically. Last I heard, they split up. Of course, I haven't heard a word from her in a couple weeks, so who knows? If I were concerned enough, I'd reach out to find out. I'm not. I'm still licking my wounds, and the bandages are fresh. I'm not going to get into it here, as its not salient. Suffice it to say, Ang loved the fantasy. When reality invaded, she wanted nothing to do with it.

During the breakup of our SL relationship, I made a couple friends. The aforementioned one who kicked my boxes around, Nevy, and some of her SL family. They took me in with open arms at a time I truly needed it. As family groups are wont to do, drama invaded - in a big way - and the wheat was sorted from the chaff. Out of that came Nevy & Marcel. Marcel has been from day one my *brother from another mother*. We think alike, and can really talk to one another. He's helped me through come confusing and painful times, and has always been the voice of reason. Hopefully Ive done the same for him. Nevy...Im not sure still how to categorize Nevy. There are times that I can sit with her and feel so calm and accepted and normal, that its like being with the sister I never had. There are other times that I want to throw her down on the nearest flat surface and...yeah. There are still other times I want to wring her neck because as much as I love her, she is the most MADDENING woman I've ever met, LOL. STUBBORN with a capital EVERYTHING. But I wouldn't have her any other way. Through her thick as fort knox shields, I've glimpsed the softer side, the vulnerable side, the side that is easily hurt and carries a hell of a lot of nasty scars. I love both sides of her. Whatever she is or isn't...she is and will always be family to me.

So in the midst of enjoying my newfound family...some truths came out. Namely, MY truth. Ready for a shocker???
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.....I'm a woman. Female in RL. Gender-fluid. Wanna know more? Check out this article, and watch the video - its powerful and amazing: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2015/06/17/ruby-rose-gender-fluid-video-interview_n_7603186.html

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EFjsSSDLl8w

Who knew? Ang. Logan. Not Molly. Not Sass. Not Nevy.

 Yeah, save it. Trust me, there is nothing you can say to chastise me that I haven't said to myself a hundred fold. I broke things off with Sass because I fell in love with her and couldn't give her what she wanted most - RL. Because I lied about who I was from the start. I messed up my chance with Nevy because I lied from the start instead of telling her the truth. The kicker? BOTH of these women might've actually been able to accept me for ME, had I been brave enough to let myself be seen and not hide behind the *fantasy* facade of Kush and Kent. Irony - you are a cunt.

So, I told Nevy. Who...while she took the possibility of coupledom off the table because she can't trust me (and I'm sure other reasons as well, but let's let my ego ride with that one for awhile), is still a close friend and family, and still opened her arms to me in acceptance. I will always be grateful to her for that.

Then...I went to tell Sass. Her reaction? She cried...she screamed..she questioned and accused...the screamed some more..cried some more...then she curled up in my lap...hugged me..then hit me. So yeah..it was hard. But you know what? She surprised the hell out of me. She was open and accepting and very willing to still be friends, even on a different level than we were, friendship wise, because, well, girl power, lol.

Well, it was nice while it lasted. My friend Abbie, who sort of has filled the of daughter for me, got some very upsetting news in RL the other day, and it upset me. I went to talk to Sass, because she is one of my best friends. I was upset, so she pulled me onto a cushion to hug me. Well, apparently someone thought her SL BF should know she was hugging some guy. WTFE.

Anyways...not surprisingly....Sass decided being friends was me was too difficult. We are not friends in ANY world now. Said our goodbyes. Probably for the best. Still hurts like hell, but..such is life.

So...I  had to do some soul searching and reflecting. What better place to do that than a beautiful fall themed sim - TRACE TOO?

As a result of all of this openness, and the (apparent but still semi-questionable) acceptance - I am out and open about being GF / BOI and a female in RL on my SL profile. Everyone who bothers to look knows who I am now. It might not be the easiest way to do things, and its confusing for a lot of people, and its cost me some good friends, but its made me a few as well, and earned me a lot more respect. Most importantly, I respect MYSELF for living authentically. I think that's what the pics embody most. Reflection, starting over, watching the past fade away....just BEING...and realizing - int he last one - that no matter how huge your problems seem....in the grand scheme of things, they are a speck in a wheat field. Get over yourself.

Pics to follow, just for fun. Bottom line...SL needs to be fun. It needs to be enjoyable, relaxing, and drama...if not free, at least LIGHT. I am working on just BEING. I have a few good friends to help me along that path. And one very special friend who is quickly becoming the light to my dark. J...NO CUDDLES for you!  ;)