Saturday, October 24, 2015

That time of year...

Autumn is my favorite season - always has been. The weather is cooler, so no more sweating to death. Its the weather of jeans and sweatshirts, tight sweaters and boots, and casual sexiness. The smell of burning leaves in the air, the colors of the leaves, the chill in the air, and the excitement of the holidays. Halloween - the costumes, the candy, the fear and thrill of it...the macabre, the dark & twisty - it all suits me very well. Then looking forward to Thanksgiving and family - when the macabre and dark thoughts come back to haunt us and get applied to our family members...

Yes, Autumn rocks. Its also the season of harvest, of wrapping up the year, putting an end to things that need to be ended, and tucking in for the winter with the things that make you feel happy and safe and cozy. That applies to people and relationships, as well.

I had...have?...had...a very close friend that I loved...very much. Still do, despite it all, but that's beside the point...who walked away to get much needed closure. As much as I hate to admit it, and as much as it hurt to be left like that, with everything that had been said and shared..I felt relief. I felt like the last thing that was holding me back from moving on was gone, and I could try to find happiness. being me...I can't ever let things go completely. I continue to berate myself for the mistakes I've made, and rather than taking that piece of my heart back, I leave it where it is, and try to exist - and coexist - without it. Not an easy feat, but in my current situation, probably for the best. Boundaries are easier to maintain when your whole heart isn't completely involved.

Apparently, I'm not the only one who can't let go completely, as some (admittedly minor) efforts were made to let me know someone is still thinking of me. much as it made that small part of my heart go pitter pat...the rest of me got PISSED! I just wanted to scream 'leave me the FUCK alone! You WALKED! STAY GONE!' So that pissed part of my brain reached into my dark & twisty soul to create:
Its a dark, macabre, highly personal 'fuck off'...but it was done out of hurt. So, while I'm posting it because it turned out to be a great picture....the feelings behind it are gone. The creation of the image, getting it out of my head, purged those negative feelings, and I was able to let it go. Truth be told, there's not a day that's gone by that she's off my mind completely either, so...yeah. And its not the relationship perse that I miss so much, though that was awesome. Its the friendship. To this day, when something touches me, in any way, that I want to share it with someone close to me who gets me and would understand it...she comes to mind. I miss our friendship. But... I get it. It is what it is, right?

In other news..anyone who knows me knows that I will take a lot of shit. I will accept whatever someone has to dish out to me. Especially if I know I hurt you - walk on me, treat me like dirt, blame me for all the ills in the world, wtfe - I can take it. Go after someone I care about? Trash talk someone, be rude to them for no reason, be mean at all...even if its not to their face, and even if its mostly a carefully aimed stab at me? Its on. Leave my friends and family out of it. This is between US, kinda thing. Nothing will make me cut ties and burn bridges faster. While every fiber in my being wants to fight back when someone does that shit....I know I can't. I know - for my own good and all those involved - that the kind of negativity that interaction inspires needs to be out of my life. I'll forgive it once in the heat of the moment. Keep bringing the same drama BS, and I'm done. I'm just...done. Mute, block, derender, you no longer exist in my world, and your negative BS goes with you. I don't have room for it in my life. I have better uses for my energy than catering to your playing the victim whims. DONE.

So...having let go of the negative feelings, and having cut the negative vibes out of my life completely..I am free to focus on the good, the positive, the peaceful.

Enter Justine. We met through madpeas, with her intelligent flirting and direct yet sensual ways of getting my attention. It took some doing for her to wrap her head around the reality of me, and for me to wrap my head around the reality of our situation, but we managed. And we are sharing our second lives now. Here is what I've stated in my profile about her:

Classy, intelligent, independent, strong, witty, and sexy as hell...she found a way to wrap her brain around accepting me into her SL, and we've happily spent most of our time in one anothers' company since.

She gives me hope...she makes me smile...and makes SL feel good again, in a way it hasn't in a long time. I'm very lucky to have her in my life.

The song below says it all...falling in love in asylum, in this case...but its true nonetheless. Proud to call her my girl. And at the risk of scaring her away...I love you, with it :)

More pics to follow, as I've been immersed in planning them out, but here is one that embodies the peace I feel with her in my arms.
So...all that said and gotten out of me, I feel better. I feel good overall. I have a few close friends, with real estate on my profile, a few friends through the peas that I spend time with and trade snarky commentary with on a regular basis, and SL is a good place to be right now.

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