Tuesday, August 11, 2015

Expectations, accusations and insecurities, oh my

I'm going to start this one out with song lyrics, because it captures my mood and my frame of mind of late. Yes, Ang, despite all the crazy, this IS my state of mind...explanation to follow:

A drop in the ocean
A change in the weather

I was praying that you and me might end up together
It's like wishing for rain as I stand in the desert

But I'm holding you closer than most cause you are my heaven

I don't wanna waste the weekend
If you don't love me pretend

A few more hours then it's time to go

As my train rolls down the east coast I wonder how you keep warm
It's too late to cry
Too broken to move on

And still I can't let you be
Most nights I hardly sleep

Don't take what you don't need from me

Misplaced trust and old friends
Never counting regrets

By the grace of God I do not rest at all

New England as the leaves change
The last excuse that I'll claim
I was a boy who loved a women like a little girl

Heaven doesn't seem far away anymore
Heaven doesn't seem far away

This song, perhaps more than any other, captures where my mind is and has been for several weeks. 

Truth time. 

Five years ago, I was in a relationship that was...wonderful. In part. I'm going to try to make a long story short here - pray for me, LOL. Let me set the stage. In RL at this time, I was dealing with my terminal father, the recent ugly end of my marriage, and my D/s and bff relationship with my then and still roommate going through some major changes and essentially morphing into something...insecure and unstable. In short, RL was...a mess. So I got involved more heavily into SL. 

In SL, I was a few months into having been abandoned by my first significant relationship there. I was ready to move on and try again. I applied for a *match* service at HoV, and very quickly found something that caught my interest. A Dom/Domme couple, rl and sl, that wanted a 3rd, a sub/switch to share. I messaged them and introduced myself, and we arranged to meet that evening. When I first laid eyes on the woman, I was lost. Just...gone. The guy...was a good person, a sweetheart, funny, sexy, smart, fun, just...not her. We wound up in a complicated relationship with my RL involved to some degree as well. We all got along beautifully, and had talked about meeting, as we were only a few hours apart. 

Mind you, I was head over heels for this woman - who you, lovely reader, know as Angela...from day one, and it got nothing but stronger as the relationship progressed. Egos happened..miscommunications happened, bullshit moves from butthurt people (myself included) happened, and her RL decided that the relationship as it was wasn't working for him, so they decided to focus on each other. I was still welcome in the family, however, just not in the same role. 

About this time, my first SL *partner* reappeared, and re-entered my life. I was..flabberghasted, to say the least. I introduced my family and them, and it was...tense. Long story short, things started to get dicey for Angela, and I put her feelings and her RL relationship ahead of my own, and I chose to leave rather than cause more pain. I went back to my old partner, who - surprise - disappeared again. 

We tried, Ang and I, to stay close during the next few months, but eventually she - and her RL - left SL I was lost - just...completely lost. 

Over the next few years, Ang would return periodically, and whatever mistaken relationship I was involved with at the time would take a backseat, as I knew they were all only an attempt to find someone half as wonderful and perfect as she was. She stole my focus, my attention, my heart and my soul, everytime she re-entered my line of sight. I say stole, but they were always hers, and she knows this. Our own bruised egos kept us from admitting how we felt, and while we both hoped the other still wanted to be together on each return, neither admitted it, for fear our hopes would be squashed. As a result, it never happened. But she never left my heart. After every failed relationship, my RL, who remains my best friend to this day, though we are just roommates for the past few years - would ask "What happened this time? Oh right...she wasn't Ang...".

This last time...RL was again falling apart. I was miserable, for a series of horrid decisions on my part, and in an attempt to regain some measure of happy, I'd fallen into a relationship with a wonderful woman who needed me almost as much as I needed her - maybe moreso, looking back on it, idk - hard to judge. Anyways...we had a beautiful relationship, hopeful, extremely satisfying, for what it was, for a few months. Until it got too close to home, and the idea of taking it beyond SL became less of an idea and more of a demand. It was at that point that I realized I couldn't do it. I didn't know why..I loved her, very much so, but...I couldn't. I just...couldn't. So..rather than tell her that and break her heart, I came up with a plausible reason why I couldn't be with her in RL, knowing it would cause our relationship to fall apart because - as I'd known from the start but hoped wasn't the case - I wasn't what she was looking for. I couldn't be. I deeply regret that I hurt her, that I was dishonest with her. But it happened, and I won't deny it. My feelings were no less real for my dishonest way of ending things. You can read back through my blogs if you'd like to confirm the timeline, but suffice it to say, that was the beginning of the end. Taking that RL possibility off the table was the death knell of our relationship. 

A month or so later...lo and behold..the prodigal kitten returned to SL. As was my usual mode of behavior, I immediately was drawn to her - my focus, my attention...I wanted her around all the time. I knew she didn't want to be *with* me, but I still wanted her around. So I tried to include her, tried to foster a friendship between her and my gf. They actually seemed to get along well. Until things really started hitting the fan. 

When I was informed that I wasn't *enough*...not mean enough, not rough enough, not Dom enough, not sexy enough, not not not....for my gf....I was...crushed doesn't even cover it. Devastated. As much as I wanted to be the Daddy Dom she needed and wanted, and tried to be, our relationship had gone in a different direction, at her insistence, and with my permission. Now, she wanted what we almost had in the beginning -- just not from me. 

This hearkened back to me hearing that I wasn't "the right kind" of sub/playmate from Ang's RL and the old wounds were reopened - in a big way. I needed distance.  I demanded a night off to think, left my gf to her own devices and went out to think. Ang was, of course, in my IMs and came along to keep me company. I opened up to her, told her what happened, what I was feeling, and brought up the old wounds. Brought up the fact - after several martinis - that those wounds had kept me from ever admitting my feelings for her when she came back. Whoops. Not whoops - it was a good thing to admit, and it was time. 

Well...as it turned out, she had felt the same way - still did - and wanted to give US a chance - fucking FINALLY. So...I was all in. I asked for time and patience to put a clean compassionate end to things with my gf...which, as it turns out, would never have been possible. But I tried. 

So...finally...after some drama and BS...I was with Ang. Again. In a different form, in a different role, but still with her, relearning one another. It was - and remains - a beautiful wonderful experience, even the dark twisty parts. Sometimes especially the dark & twisty parts. 

So the idea of meeting in person comes up again. Cotton candy land we call it. Only one thing stands in the way, beyond the practicalities - I have to be friends with her RL. Her RL - who was the main source of the problems and the end of our relationship 5 years ago. Her RL, who got butthurt that I was closer to her than to him. Her RL, who was the main reason she didn't feel confidence enough to think I would want her anytime over the previous 5 years, that had kept her from trying. I had to be friends with him. Well, shit. 

Understandably, I was reluctant, unsure, insecure. Especially when he was still making boneheaded asshole mistakes - with her AND with me. But you know what, I DO like him. I always have. He is still a cool guy, a little more grown up, still smart and funny as hell, still very sexy, there is still a spark...there just isn't a fucking spontaneous combustion like there was and always has been with Ang. Its like the difference between a campfire and burning man. The campfire can keep you warm, roast your wiener, toast your marshmallow, all that happy horseshit...but its not the awe inspiring, hypnotic spellbinding spiritual life-altering spectacle of burning man. Sorry, but..its not. 

So its been several weeks...and some wall of resistance in my finally broke last night, in response to Ang's last blog. I IMd him, and did this morning too, and we hung out a bit this afternoon and chatted. I think it was good progress along the road to the kind of friendship that would make cotton candy land a distinct possibility. 

Except...we spent the rest of the day dealing with perceived expectations, perceived accusations, and massive insecurities, and boneheaded behavior that perpetuated it all. While I can see both sides, it is ridiculously difficult for me to not choose one. Sometimes I want to shake them both like a British nanny and scream WAKE UP!! You LOVE each other!! Realize that and stop being an asshole about it! I am fairly confident that they will get through this..I know they've gotten through a lot worse...I'm just...scared, I guess. 

At first, I was scared that I was going to be tossed aside like the trash again, which is what I felt 5 years ago. I (mostly) got past that. I am, however, afraid that their insecurity issues will ruin the possibility of cotton candy land. 

That shouldn't be such a huge deal..except...it is. I've spent the last 5 years regretting my own actions and my own decisions and the fact that I lost her - that I lost THEM, if I'm being completely honest. I can admit that now - I'm past the anger and hurt enough to admit - I want them BOTH in my life. I want that sense of family back. I've never felt anything like it before or since, and in whatever form, I want it back. I want a chance. I really do feel - with every fiber of my being - that its possible. More than possible - probable. If everyone can take a breath before acting on somewhat self-centered impulse and realizing what effect their next action might have on the person they are most committed to. If everyone would place that person first in their list of priorities, and give them the attention and consideration that they deserve. 

And because this is my blog - mine and Ang's, but this one entry is MINE...I'm being selfish and giving voice to why I need this to work. 

My life the past 5 years has been one shitty decision after another. One dead end situation after another. One hopeless endless miserable existence, only briefly colored by the hope for something real, that was always squashed. The hope for something fulfilling, that was never quite right. Again, because "they aren't Ang"...well, and they aren't Ang & M...they aren't the family I had and lost. 

Reconnecting with Ang...the thought of cotton candy land and what might come after...the hope for changes and something more meaningful..for a new direction for my life..the very real possibility of starting over on my own with friends - family - nearby and always in my life - its everything to me. Its given me HOPE. Hope to go on. Hope to wake up everyday. Hope to take necessary steps that I've been putting off and putting on the back burner. 

Lately, that hope has been getting snuffed out by "expectations, accusations,and insecurities". Damnit, I need that hope. So quit it, LOL. Quit sniping...quit suffering in silence until shit blows up and bubbles over. The both of you. Open up. Talk to me. Let me help, even if its just as a sounding board. You both love one another. Neither of you is seeking to replace the other in any way.  You both think the other hangs the sun and the moon in your own eyes, though you won't admit it out loud to each other. And y'all call ME stubborn....

The sooner you both accept these truths, the sooner things can get on toward happy land. So - that is my expectation. Open up and talk. To me, to each other, all of the above. I care about you both - individually and as a couple - so damn much. It hurts to see you both in pain when there is NO damn reason for it, other than neither of you believing that you are worth love and devotion. I'm here to tell you - you are. 

I've been chasing my heaven - the feeling of being part of *our family* for 5 years. I thought it was lost forever...but here it is..just out of reach...mocking me..beckoning me..help me reach it. 

1 comment:

  1. thank you for giving me closure. you'll still always hold a tiny little corner in my heart. good luck and I hope you find your happy.


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