Thursday, July 9, 2015

Letting go...

Whether you have an addiction, or you are just going through tough times, there is something to be said for the power of the serenity prayer. You don't have to believe in a higher power, the prayer is as much a plea to yourself as it is to your chosen diety.

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

Simple words, but they carry such depth.

The end of my relationship with Sarah was...painful. Hard. Probably one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. Its one thing to end a relationship if its seriously not working. If you've fallen out of love. If someone has cheated. Etc etc. None of that was the case. No one cheated, no one fell out of love, we worked, such as we were. We just weren't the best thing for each other. I wasn't the best thing for her. I couldn't give her what she I left.

We tried to cling to friendship, to affection, to...anything, to not leave each others lives completely. We weren't very successful in that endeavor. We are now living completely separate lives, not speaking, not checking in on one another, not not not. No contact, no mourning. Just moving on, the best way we can. Letting go of the past and trying to find peace and happiness in the present. Letting go of the anger and frustration and pain that kept us railing at the fate we can't change.

For me, the biggest challenge was letting go of the guilt. Guilt that I left in such a state. Guilt that I tried to maintain some sort of relationship. Guilt that I didn't leave sooner. Guilt that I ever started seeing her in the first place. I had to stop beating myself up. Seeing that she had started to move on, making new friends, reconnecting with old, making a new life for herself that by all accounts looks to be a hell of a lot more enjoyable than the one we had together, helped a lot. Its good to see her trying. Yes, I checked up on her. So sue me. But I have let go of the responsibility that I shouldered. Her life is her own, and she is responsible for it now. I "pushed the baby bird out of the nest" and held my breath...until I saw her wings flap. Now..she's learning to fly, and I am happy for that, happy for her.

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Meanwhile, in my own life...

Reconnecting with old friends has been..a very blissful experience. Making a life with Ang...making plans, strengthening our bond, living day to day, exploring together, living together..every day is better than the last. After nearly 5 years of waiting, wanting, fantasizing, wishing..we're finally getting what we've apparently both craved this whole time - a chance to be together. We are taking full advantage!

With Ang, comes a new round of "letting go". We've talked about the past - mistakes, miscommunications, misuderstandings, hurt feelings, wounded pride, immature behavior, poor decisions, etc etc - on both our parts - that kept us apart. We've examined it all...we've forgiven each other, and are working actively toward forgiving ourselves, so the past doesn't color our present.

She has helped me to let go of the guilt I shouldered over Sarah as well. Reminding me that I can't save the world, or even support it - I'm not Atlas. Reminding me that someone else's happiness isn't solely my responsibility, and never should have been. Reminding me that I can't be everything to anyone, nor should I be, nor should they be. That only leads to inevitable disappointment.

I'm also letting go of constraints...of control...of social and moral boundaries and restrictions...and Enjoying. Experiencing. It is bliss being in a relationship where the only *rules* or *limits* that matter are the ones you set with your partner. Not worrying or stressing over "what would people think? What would people judge? Is this acceptable? Do the *normal* people do this? Should we try to be normal? Fuck ALL that, lol. Let it go. Let it all go and focus on the way it makes you feel.

Rule # 1 - Don't hold back

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