No pictures in this blog post - just getting some thoughts out of my head so I can sleep.
There are some things weighing on my mind of late, and on Sarah's I know - moreso than they should be. I have a potential health issue that could impact our future, to the degree of preventing us from having one outside of SL. While this possibility hurts like hell, as there is nothing I can do to change it at this point, I have little choice but to resign myself to that potential reality. I know it is devastating to Sass.
We've known each other going on 4 months now, and this has been the happiest, most fulfilled, most...LIVED 4 months of my life. While there is quite honestly nothing I would like better than to be able to be the man she needs me to be, to be able to realistically be with her, hold her in my arms, kiss her, make love to her the way we dream of everytime we are together in SL...I have to accept that it might not happen that way. That sucks - admittedly - its a cruel twist of fate and it really fucking sucks - just...BEYOND sucks.
But...there is a silver lining, and one that I have to look at, if I'm to have any hope of getting through this. The past 4 months with Sarah have been incredible. We've had our ups and downs, we've bickered, we've fought, we've made up, and we've grown closer with each passing day. Each hurdle and speed bump brings us closer together, and makes us grow as a couple. All of my friends have commented that we are so good together, and so good for each other - and I have to agree. What we have - its amazing. Wonderful. Incredible. Mind blowingly intense and...I just don't have the words to express how awesome being with Sarah is, sharing our second lives, our first lives, spending time together.
When I am upset, I want to hold her, to hear her voice, to snuggle up with her in one of our cuddle spots on our sim, because she comforts me. When I am happy, I want to share it with her, because its usually because of her, and I want her to know how she makes me feel. When I am angry, I want to talk to her, because she calms me. Every moment of every day she is on my mind, in my heart. She is part of me, part of my soul. I can't imagine life without her in it, at least to some degree. I don't want to. It brings me to tears just thinking of that possibility.
I have to be realistic, though. I can't expect to tie her to me if this isn't enough for her. If its going to hurt too much, be too hard, to JUST have SL together. Its not that I would ever expect her to not seek out a relationship in RL if we couldn't be together like that, I would encourage her to, because I know she needs - and deserves - that type of intimacy. That said, however, I want to be a part of her life, and I want her to be a part of mine. A very significant part. The MOST significant part. I live for the times I can spend with her.
Sarah has been worried of late that I'm pulling away, or pushing her away. We have taken to limiting our time together in SL, to give her more balance. Time to spend with her family, time to get RL things done, time for her art, and even time to work on stuff in SL for her new store that she is starting on the CLEAVAGE sim - do check her profile and go check it out please! MissSassySarah Resident - or check mine, I'll have it linked by morning. The reality of how I feel about this couldn't be farther from her worries. It is painful being away from her. I want to spend every moment I can with her, especially with an uncertain future looming before us. BUT - I know she needs a push to get her life back on track - and I am trying to give her that. She is stubbornly fighting me every step of the way, but I am still sticking to my guns. I want her to have everything she wants, everything she can possibly have, to be happy.
Sarah brought up the topic of engagement today, and my heart leapt with joy. For a moment. Then reality sunk in. I had to tell her that I am waiting to make that step until she has all the information necessary to make an informed decision. To decide whether she wants to tie herself to me in Secondlife if all I can ever offer her is what we have right now. What we have right now is absolutely amazing, but I know its not what she wants - its not her end game - its not enough to satisfy her. If worse comes to worse, it will be up to her to decide if she wants to continue what we have, knowing that SL is all it will ever be, or if she wants to cut her losses and move on as friends, seeking out what she actually needs. That choice is hers, and I will not make her more obligated than she already feels to decide one way or the other. If she wonders at all how I feel about her, or where my heart lies, or whether I would even WANT to be completely committed to her in every way we can be in SL - she has but to look at the two rings she wears. One to tie my heart to her...the other to tie my soul. She owns both, as I do hers. But she needs to know that I will support her in her decision, whatever it might happen to be. She needs to know that she will ALWAYS have me in her corner. That she will ALWAYS have my love and support. ALWAYS and unconditionally.
Ok...I feel calmer now. I think I can sleep.