****VENT AHEAD - MORBID, SELF-INVOLVED PITY PARTY STUFF - FEEL FREE TO SKIP THIS ONE****
So its just past the 3 month anniversary of when Sass and I met. We've officially reached the halfway point of my 6 month benchmark for *is this SL relationship going to last*. By and large, things are amazing between us. We have our moments, when one or both of us are in pain, or not feeling well, or cranky, or whatever, we can be irritable. We have to mind how we interact with one another during those times. We both tend to be a bit...oversensitive...during those times, and prone to taking what the other says or does the wrong way. We talk it out, though, and we get through it. We love each other - really and truly love each other. Even through the rough patches - we help each other over the speed bumps.
Things the last couple of weeks have been strained, due to an odd convergence of matters. First of all, I have an RL health issue that may or may not affect our relationship - the direction and course of it. Its something that I will not get into here, but suffice it to say, it weighs heavily on our minds, and won't be resolved for quite some time yet. Life does like to throw its little curveballs, doesn't it? Not knowing if we have a future - at least in the way we want - is making living in the present both more difficult, and more important. Its not an easy thing to deal with.
The second thing that converged on us is the re-emergence of an old friend of mine, Ang. Look for her in my upcoming blog post as a fashion model for my fledgling fashion blogs, LOL. Anyways, Ang has been gone for well over a year, if not longer. She came back to SL, and our friendship picked up like it never paused. We were close. No, not like that, Sass has no reason to fear Ang in that sense. We're just very good friends, who can share and talk about anything and everything - and we do. I've sort of always fallen into the role of big brother with her - advising about matters of the heart, and of the head at times.
She left SL for a lot of reasons, chief among them being that she got hurt by the end of a long relationship. One that she has been seriously considering diving back into,now that she is back. I've heard her ruminations about the issue for the past several days. They border on obsessions, but that's ok - its how she processes, and I'm happy to listen and assist in whatever way I can - giving direction to her swirling thoughts.
She isnt the topic of this blog, only the source of my current mood. She took my advice and expressed how she feels, how she felt, why she left, how she wants to fix things this time around, what she wants, etc etc, to this person she is thinking of getting back together with. What she said...it was so powerful, and so beautiful, that it made me realize - I've never experienced anything like that. It wasn't jealousy I was experiencing - it was envy.
I guess I'm in a morose mood, and I've spent some time the last couple of weeks thinking about my past, revisiting old memories, rehashing old relationships with my RL roommate and best friend - basically, examining my past to inform my present. Seeing Ang's longing for what she had with her ex - how she described it, how beautiful and wonderful it was when it was good...hearing her talk about how much its burned within her, that longing for him, that desire to be with him again - it made me realize something. To my knowledge, no one has ever felt that way about me. I've never left that much of an impression on anyone, nor have I ever been loved that deeply.
My last SL relationship, with Molly, was....beautiful, but rare. We saw so little of one another, and what time we had was so broken up. In the 13 months we were *together*, I doubt we spent a total of 2 weeks worth of time together. Not a lot of time to delve in deep or make an impression. I tried though, lord knows I tried. I know I did, to an extent. I embodied that white knight that always fucks with my head when I get into relationships. She saw me as a potential savior - as a way out - as a tool she could use to escape her current hell. If it was even hell. I still wonder if she wasn't playing an elaborate game all along. I hope, whatever the situation, that she is happy. She is the only one who ever really ame back, who ever expressed wanting to be with me again after a break up. Not sure it was even that, really, as she used that confession of desire and longing to drive the knife in deeper, lol.
Anyways, to get back to it - I've always been the expendable one. I have an old friend - now someone I've completely written out of my life - who had what I like to call "repeat customers". Everytime he broke up with someone, he kept them around. He had them in his life They always wanted him back. They always came back to him - no matter what he did. It always fascinated me. We dated in the same circle, some of the same people, in fact, some at the same time, even. Don't ask. Anyways - I was the throw away. I was the one who - when I left, or when they left - I was blocked, defriended, undesirable.
Its always been like that - in RL and in SL. I'm the one who swoops in, fulfills that perfect niche, becomes exactly what they need, and then - when things run their course - I'm tossed out with the trash and forgotten about. They move on. They don't look back.
I always look back. I always check up. I always CARE. Even when I don't want anything ever to do with them again - I care. I check. Maybe its sick of me to do so - but I do. Sometimes its just to watch the train wreck from afar, but still - I check. Somehow, I seriously doubt anyone - EVER - looks me up to see what I've been up to in their absence. It makes me wonder what is fundamentally wrong with ME that no one gives a shit.
It also makes me wonder - worry - stress - what have you - about Sass. I was reminded by a very good friend today that Sass is my longest relationship they've ever seen me have - in terms of time spent together. That I seem happy, fulfilled. And I am. She is amazing, and I love being with her. I can't stress that enough. I know she worries about me straying or losing interest in her or whatever - but that couldn't be farther from my mind. She is all I think about. She is all I worry about. Yes, I talk to my friends. Yes, I spend time with them. I've been a little greedy about Ang, because having her around again feels good, and because I like her being around Sass - they both need a good friend, and I think they compliment one another well. Ang is a fur-wrapped ball of sassy fun with claws and teeth that lash out at anyone who bothers her family - and she does consider both Sass and I family. She's positive energy to have around, and I've needed that lately to keep me out of the blackness. Sass probably thinks that there are other reasons I've brought her around so much - but its not that. Its that she keeps me upbeat and smiling and laughing and having fun - WITH Sass - and keeps her there as well - and we both need that positivity right now.
If things go negatively, on the health front, I don't know what will happen. I can't be upset about whatever does. I won't allow myself to be upset if she chooses self preservation - in fact, I encourage her to. I've all but insisted on it in some ways, and totally insisted on it in others. Anyways..my morose point - if things go south...I wonder if she will ever look back? She doesn't seem the type to do much of that regardless, not unless she has to. She forces herself to move on - which is healthy, and a better way to live your life. So in a way, I'd be happier knowing that she didn't look back. Still makes a part of me sad. I don't think I will ever have love like that. Its not in the cards for me. Not that I'm not happy with what I have with Sass - I am. I told her the other day, and it was the truest statement I've ever made, that what we have - even in its *virtual* status - is the most fulfilling relationship I've ever had in my life - in ANY life.
Wow, now that I've thoroughly depressed myself again to the point of crying..I think I need to sign off of here and head to bed, lol. Yay me! Bring on the depressingly morbid dreams, right?
More - happier - blogging to come over the next couple of days! I just had to get this off my chest.